Day 334 "Are We Not The Same?"

I believe that we think we believe in the same things, but I know that we don't.

I believe that we think we share the same faith, but I know that we can't.

I believe that we think we are one mind, but I know that we are not.

But I believe that belief is only illusion, and perhaps I am only mistaken.

Day 333 "This Desire To Create"

Why does the artist feel the need to create?

Where does this need to make something out of nothing come from?

Why does anyone desire to turn something in to something different?

Why does any artist choose to voice their hearts over paper instead of speaking the words aloud?

Who can know why the artists mind may feel the need to reach out to another, to expose their innermost desires, fears, and secret thoughts?

Perhaps it is because an artist feels as though the best response to honoring this beautiful gift of life, is by creating something with the most passion that we can, with the most depth that we can, so that maybe we will reach the heart of just one more person.

Day 332 "Barren And Abundant "

I enjoyed a long walk with Danbox today, and even though It was terribly cold, like most December days are, we had the warmth of a new understanding within us. Where last winter our hearts were only ice and ember, we now have a warmer flame inside, we now walk with hope and appreciation.

We have never walked these paths before, everything was so beautifully alien, instead of the unfamiliar and hostile, and for the first time I felt as though I could see snapshots of a truly better future.

At the start of this journey towards the within I could only feel apprehension for almost everything. Not knowing where any path would lead, not knowing if the winter would ever end, and always hoping that hope itself would feel more real than a faded dream. Now I have lived through the changing seasons, and hope has proven to be something that Time The Thief cannot seem to grasp, and now even in another cold winter, I know that winter will eventually end.

I watched as Danbox climbed his way up to a barren branch on a tall tree that overlooked this new, alien, place. He stood there for many moments, contemplating like he always has, and after a few moments more he started to spread his arms out wide, as if to say “I am ready”.

I can tell that he feels better about life today, better than we both did back when I caught him stealing cereal at the start of this difficult journey.

With hope in our hearts a new path can be met with excitement and not hesitation.

With possibility in our minds, we can see that not all roads lead into an endless winter.

Sometimes the most barren of creations can show us the abundance of it all.

With a confidence forged in the flames of fear, we now travel these alien paths with an open heart and an open mind that, hopefully, will lead us away from our dark histories.

Day 331 "Packed Away And Never Forgotten"

Not everything is as easy as packing up your personal possessions and placing them into a crudely labeled box, and then moving that box from point A to point B.

Emotions, history, and dreams do not stay placed away for very long, and they never pack away neatly either.

These things have a way of escaping the confines of our minds, and of our hearts. They demand to always be seen, and not placed away for better days. These histories and emotions demand to be heard above all else, and their silence is only ever temporary.

As much as we try to hide away from the darkness, or to forget the history that brought us to this moment, we simply cannot escape the reality and the knowledge of what it took for us to get here, and even packing these things away neatly in a box doesn’t ever stay neatly hidden away.

Every smile we have today has come at a cost, and the knowledge of what we had to overcome to be free for this long, is not without future payment.

One cannot move an emotion without giving an emotion.

One cannot pack away a heart without feeling the pain of the temporary separation.

The doubts that we carry with us, and all the ones that we ever try to pack away and forget about, all these doubts only ever place themselves in a box meant to be opened in the future.

As our lives change, our worlds shift and our hearts move, we all try to pack these important things up, but like so many things, they know that they are meant to seen by us somewhere in the future.

As we try to burn an old life away in the desire to create a new one, we only ever hold off the day that waits somewhere in the future, and in that new place.

As we try to keep ourselves from opening this box that we cannot let go, we end up holding off the moment where we accept that all of our homes will be built with the memories we tried to hide away.

eventually we will not feel the need to pack all these things away, we won’t feel the need to hesitate unboxing them, and we will finally accept that we will always end up bringing them with us.

Day 330 "Leaving Home For A While"

This world is nothing but the potential found in everything.

So many beautiful souls, all sharing this planet, but not all with an open heart or an open mind. So many lost souls, that all search for meaning in the signs that can be impossible to read, all attempting to make some sort of sense out of the gravity of this alien world.

 The places we call home, where we live, these cities, these towns, and this house, all these places that we proudly call ours, all of them are nothing more than a fraction of the bigger picture.

Out there is a world that will change us, if only we place fear in a box that rests on a shelf we cannot reach, if only we let go of this desire to hold on; if only we take the chance to meet life half way.

The next question we ask upon freeing our imprisoned minds, is the very question that places a light in the darkest corner of our hearts.

To the universe we ask, and to our hearts we speak the words…"Where to next?"

329 "No More Following Tracks"

I used to leave so many fading tracks behind me, in the hope that they would lead me back to that place I once knew, or that they would lead my past back to me. I had no idea that my footsteps were being covered and washed away completely. I just ignorantly walked into the unknown, believing in the illusion of safety that was believing my tracks were eternal.

Always walking forward, and always in the hope that I was leading myself somewhere better, but better is nothing more than a temporary moment in a brief dream, it is a desire meant to be had and lost and then found again, and never a final destination.

My history has been the longest passenger that I have ever known, and this history never had a set destination, only the desire to steal a ride for the rest of my life. This elusive vagabond always leaves pieces of itself at every stop, always picking up more to lose along the path we take.

I followed these tracks back so many times, but every time I would find myself lost in a place that no longer felt safe at all, a place where I could see where the water washed my history back into the eternal ocean.

Now I stand in the middle of a life I have never known, and I look around to see that I no longer leave tracks that lead me back anywhere at all.

Here I stand in the middle of only possibility, and for the first time, in the longest time, I have no desire to ever find the tracks that I once left behind.

For the first time, in the longest time, I want to make a home, instead of trying to follow all those tracks that only lead back to an empty house.

328 "This Gift I Keep"

There has been so many days before this one, days that were only ever a struggle and a complete test of my faith.

Those days that made me swallow my pride and left me with none of my own to hold on to.

There was a time when all I did was give all that I had left to whoever would take it, in the weakened hope that someone might give something back; some did, others did not.

So many of those wasted days given to this desire of trying to reach something special, something that I would not have to let go.

I watched as Time The Thief took away all that I wanted to keep, never leaving me anything behind in return for the memories it stole.

Now after so much time, I stumbled across these gifts in the December snow.

I won't let Time The Thief take these, not without a fight.

These are mine.

These I will not ever give away, but then again, Time The Thief isn’t one to ever ask for permission.

Day 327 "Reflection"

We are different you and I.

We have different histories, different families, different triumphs and tribulations.

We do not live in the same space, or even the same time.

Our genetic code is similar, but infinitely different.

Yet somehow, with all these differences, we share so much more.

We share this desire to smile, to hope, to hold on to a positive belief.

We share this sense of adventure and desire to protect one another.

A world of so many beautiful souls, separated by different levels of distance.

We look across and over to each other, and we stare into this universe above us to see what we truly are...A reflection

Day 326 "The Words I Tell Myself"

"From here...anything is possible".

Day 325 "A Part Of Me Has Changed"

In Silence Danbox has chosen to speak

He has shown me, many times, that sound is not always needed to say the most important words, that most of the time it is not needed at all.

As I complained loudly, treating the world as my own personal podium of discontent, this little amazing boxman spoke his heart aloud in silence.

As I stood trapped in my emotions and behind those bars that history made, Danbox moved through the impossible with a grace I could only ever hope to have, but through that silence I learned to lower my own voice, and I have even learned to listen to it.

Thanks to Danbox and his impressively sincere heart, I now have trust in the silence that I once feared so much. Thanks to his desire to show me through action, and not through words, the things I must do, I have become stronger for it.

Silence is a way to listen to what the heart has been trying to tell you all along, but your loud ego has prevented you from ever hearing.

There is no way to completely erase the fears and the disappointments that we have earned along the journey of our lives.

A heart that has found a light can still remember the darkness of all the ghosts from the past.

I know that even in silence, Danbox experiences the loudness of his own heart.

We can never forget what has been done, we must remember how we tempered ourselves through the trials.

We no longer sleep with anger and defiance.

We no longer wish to see the world aflame.

We no longer embrace our rage and doubt.

We no longer hold on to the fear that we will forever stay locked within our scorned hearts.

In silence we hear these revelations.

There is no way to eradicate the demons that made us this beautiful mess.

So we make amends and accept our darkness, and in that decision alone, we free ourselves from this hostility, and we temper ourselves stronger in the optimistic flame.

Where I once stood, yelling out to the world how much it has wounded me, Danbox also stood there in silence, watching me so gracefully and patiently, until I could finally see, that his silence was much louder than mine, and that his silence is what I heard above my own aggressive voice.

Day 324 "The Journey"

The roads we walk in this lifetime are many.

Where you start is eventually only ever faded history.

There is no way to regain the time that we waste whether intentional or not.

The paths that we walk are never going to be the same.

Wherever you end up is always a gamble, even if the outcome is not quite as intended.

And there is no worthy reward for letting fear take the wheel, ever.

The journey we are on can be shared, but never completely.

What you experience will always be yours, and yours alone to feel.

There is no way to ever see soul to soul, only ever, heart to heart.

We travel through this life with no road maps to guide us, only a hope and a prayer that Time The Thief will give us enough time to somehow reach a better place in the future.

The rods we walk in this lifetime are infinite in their possibilities.

Where you start does not always mean you will find the end.

There is no way to steal back what has been stolen, but there is always a way to appreciate what has been lost, and in doing so, we just might have a chance of having it for one second more.

Day 323 "A Flicker To A Flame"

It is getting harder to recall the details in the heavy and dark emotion that has followed me from the start of this journey.

With a wounded heart, a desperate faith, and a slight flicker of hope deep within, I walked forward towards, what I always hoped, would be a better day.

At this point it is a question of whether I protected that ember of hope within, or whether that ember refused to extinguish itself? Either way, this optimistic flame has become more than that once lost ember.

I never had a light to guide me, or a hand to hold that could hold fast to my bitter grasp.

I never had a moment in the past strong enough to carry me above the weight of my sadness

I never knew which direction would lead me home, or how to read ever sign that mattered along the way, but I never gave up, I never gave in, and I always held on to hope in what seemed like even hopeless times.

Looking back now, I cannot see my footprints in the snow, in the sand, or in the dirt. I can't see exactly what I went through to get here, everything is blurred in the embrace of history now, all those days belong to Time The Thief now.

I know it was difficult, I know that I fell a lot, and I tripped over even more; I knew that once, once I was only ever alone.

Now there is some light that I have found, within this wanting heart lies the companionship of a world of souls, all trying to hard find their way back home.

This cool flicker has turned into a much warmer flame.

I do not walk as heavy as I once did anymore, and now my footprints are not sinking in as deep as they once did from the weight of my thoughts that pressed down upon my heart so heavily.

Now I only seem to be leaving footprints that I want to remember, even though the details in these steps are destined to eventually fade as the less optimistic ones already have.

I still have no idea if I am truly heading home, but from the look of the steps that I can still see behind me, I can tell that I am not heading back to the past, and for now that has to be enough.

322 "Stealing Cookies"

Some things are forbidden, like the cookies your mom told you to stay away from when you were nothing more than a sugar craving kid.

You knew the consequences of your actions, yet you still took a chance, you still rolled the dice and tried to get away with it.

Life is like that.

We know that we want something, we have been told to wait, we have been told to stay away, but sometimes that request is beyond our own will.

On the days where we throw caution to the wind, we take a needed chance, we jump right in to a storm we have to weather, and in the end, despite the warnings that came from others, we knew that we were better off to take this chance…because now we no longer have to wait for the best part.

Day 321 "Heroic And Villainous"

There is no walking through this life without a desire to become something more, or something else.

We are all heroes and villains.

We are the reaction to every decision we have ever made.

We are the commanders of these ships that we choose to sail into the unknown.

We have the power to control the known, or to throw ourselves into the chaos of the universe, and see what may come of it.

There is no path that does not lead to a different you.

The things you do, the words you say, the desires you chase, all these will carve you into the entity that you will eventually, and inevitably, become.

Hero or villain, the choice is always yours to make, and you may even play both roles in this life; but one thing is the law, you will always have play at least one.

Day 320 "Face To Face"

This life is about reflections.

This one self is a mirror into the universe, as much as this universe is a reflection of our one true self.

Where one hand is closed in a fist, the other is open to holding possibility.

Where fear exists there is also hope.

A tear and a smile.

Life and death.

The sun and the moon.

Love and hate.

This life is only a reflection of what the heart truly desires most, and of what the mind fears as well.

It is the water that reflects the sky so far above.

The innocent child that becomes the skeptical adult.

It is the friend that is both the future enemy as well.

The song in the silence.

The good intent that kills.

This life is I against I.

It is only ever a reflection of your own heart, your own mind, and your own desire.

It is only ever you, face to face.

Day 319 "Making My Way Out"

I found myself in such a dark space once, not too long ago, and more than a few times.

This place where I could only ever feel so hidden away and unreachable.

I made a home in that cold alien land, making a bed of thorns and guilt.

I made a place for myself that no one ever wanted to see, but I would bring them in anyway.

Some tried to visit for a while, but I could not find the will or the words to make them want to stay.

I waited in that place for some clarity, for a moment that might bring me an understanding of how I had managed to stay here so long myself.

My answer came in the form of warmth, like the morning sun upon my face on a winter day.

I crawled out of my hiding place, scared but hopeful, and all the while this warmth embraced my doubting heart and faltering steps.

There were moments that my fears kept trying to drive me back into my empty cave, but no fear can ever outshine the warmth of hope and desire; so I kept crawling out of the dark, away from that dark temporary place I called Home.

I still remember the way those darker days felt, and there is a cold comfort still in that place, like an old friend you can no longer talk to.

A familiar comfort in knowing that everyone will eventually leave, but it will only ever be a hollow comfort without a sun.

Now, with every step away from those thorns that poison the mind with guilt, is a new understanding of just how temporary that place ever was for me…and that the ones I thought were abandoning me all this time, were simply showing me the way out. 

318 "Smile, Wave, And Hope"

There is no telling in this lifetime how long we are supposed to know anyone, or just who exactly any stranger is meant to become to us.

We pass each other by, we wave, we smile, and we hope, and sometimes some of those hopes are answered back.

So many of us walk with our heads down, staring at our own familiar feet, forgetting that this world is so much more than just this sidewalk and dark thoughts. Sometimes we forget that anything exists at all.

There is no telling in this lifetime if a simple "Hello" will ever become a complicated kiss.

If a slight wave will ever become a full embrace.

In this world so full of possibilities, there is no way to tell whether a hope and smile will ever lead you to the love you so secretly seek, or if a slight smile will ever bring you to the very edge of your happiness.

All we can ever do is smile, wave, and hope.

Day 317 "Day 317---The Executioner And The Victim"

How many times do we feel underneath a pressure heavier than the weight of our own ambitions?

As if there is no real way to escape the impending blade that started to fall since your birth.

Even the ones that swore to protect you can turn into the executioners of your faith and hope; but hope will always draw another breath.

After all this time and all these steps I know this emotion all too well.

I am at peace with the weight that I have had to carry this far, and even the sharpness of the blade wielded against me doesn’t seem quite as deadly.

We choose to point the finger in an attempt to keep from ever having to look in the mirror.

We choose to place our own necks under the guillotine, and then tell the world that they did this to us.

Under a pressure we have never known, all these wounded hearts become beautiful diamonds.

Today I looked into the mirror and what I saw was a finger pointing back at me.

Today I stopped pointing the finger back at that wounded reflection.

Today I stopped playing both the executioner and the victim.

There will never be a way to stop Time The Thief from dropping the blade across our days, from scarring our own hearts, or from forcing us to look into the mirror against our will.

All we have ever had was hope, our hope that Time The Thief cannot ever hold, and therefore can never truly steal. It is hope that dulls the blade, hope alone that ever helps give us the strength to forgive ourselves for ever thinking that we could continue pointing our fingers for so very long.

Day 316 "Wear Your Ego Proudly"

Choose your side and wear it proud.

Let your ego decide who you will alienate, and eventually you will come to see that we are only ever wasting time.

Day 315 "Back Here To Some Place Different"

It took a lot to get here, to this moment.
I didn’t know that I would ever feel these things again, I thought that part of me was forever locked within a cynical mind, an over protective heart, and a jaded adult imagination.
I forgot the simple pleasure in just knowing that everything was going to be alright, that both hope and possibility would convince the universe to conspire to help me.
So here I am, once again...but in a place that I have never been.
And what happens next?

I don’t know, but I look forward to finding out the answer.

Day 314 "Beauty And The Panic It Brings"

In a dream I saw color so vivid that it hurt my heart.
How long have I been seeing this cold blue and grey wash over everything?
How long have I had a filter over even my own dreams?

In this dream I tried to hold on to that beautiful moment, but I found myself panicking at the thought of losing it all once again.

Is it enough to have a moment of color in an otherwise colorless space?
Is it enough to know that happiness and beauty can still exist? 
Is it enough to know that we are granted a brief reprieve from the struggles we must still endure?
Is it enough?
Is it ever enough?
I can only ever hope so.

Day 313 "As We Walk"

As we walk alone in our own thoughts, with every forced step ahead, we need to be able to say that we are trying our hardest to live.
Or else I fear that our steps forward will only ever lead us back.

Day 312 "The Instinct To Move"

I am still travelling towards dreams and goals that I cannot define.
My heart is in the right place I know, and I am finally taking the time to listen to my instincts without charging them with treason.

I am still walking towards and away, forward without looking back, as much.
My future is unwritten, and I know this now.
I am still taking the time to read the signs, and finally accepting of ignoring the ones that I cannot.


My instincts may be wrong, and I may be reading almost all the signs wrong, but no matter what, I know that I am still moving; with hope always in my heart, I am still moving.

Day 311 "This Mortal Reflection"

Even with everything, can anyone feel like they have everything?
Can anyone ever feel as though they are truly out of deaths reach? Ever?
Can anyone truly feel like death might look away forever? Or for at least a little longer?
Even with anything, can anyone ever feel as if they own anything at all?
Even these bodies we call are own are only ever loaned to us, and time is the greatest myth of all.
I find myself completely affected by the amount of loss that I have had to endure. So many have left this mortal coil, and I am still here, still trying to hold on to impossible time as it slips right through my fingers.
My life has become dedicated to the memory of those that left us way too early, for my selfish heart misses them so, and I do not want to offend their memory.
I won't forget to appreciate each and every breathe that I get to enjoy, and even the ones that feel as though they come at a heavy cost.
No one ever said that this life was fair, that this universe didn't have a hostile side, no one ever said that happiness was simply given to those who wait.
Save your fears for another day, for we must rush in and accept whatever may come our way.
Not everything will work, but not everything will fail.
We must remind ourselves that this only lasts as long as Time The Thief wills it so, and that we do not usually get to know when Time The Thief wants it all back.
You will never be untouchable, and you will never have everything.
You, like me, like everyone, will always find and lose, receive and let go, forever caught in the ebb and the flow.
You will have what you have, and if you live right, you will allow this loving and hostile universe to challenge and protect you.
You may be lucky enough to forget, for a time, that we are all heading towards the same destination. You may even be lucky enough to appreciate what you have on a deeper level, because you take a moment to remember, that you and I are heading in the same direction.

That we are all simply on this journey before the next.

Day 310 "Lest We Forget"

*In silence we remember*

Day 309 "We Are Duality"

You and I.
Duality personified.

You and I.
Darkness and hope.

You and I.
Reason and instinct.

You and I.
History and future.

You and I.
Sadness and smiles.

You and I.
Strangers and friends.

You and I.
Safe and scared.

You and I have always been me and I, and we will always be duality personified.

Day 308 "Help Me Over This Please"

These years have been trying haven't they?
All these struggles to find something more than the struggles.
All this tripping and scraped knees, just to trip and bruise myself again.
And all these victories shared all to myself.

I came across so many walls and just as many fences, I came across everything I never knew, as it tried so hard to stop my progression.
I came across all these obstacles alone, with no one to lift me above these impossible walls that stood in my way.
I learned to overcome these obstacles with this slight faith in myself, this flickering hope in my heart, and this frightening possibility in this impersonal universe.
I had always hoped that at some point another would lend me their strength, I had always known that someone eventually would.
It was an illusion to believe that I was ever truly alone, it was a convenience to use this negative perspective to compel me to overcome these obstacles with such intensity.
Now I can see all the ones that have offered their help, even when I pushed them away for reasons still unknown to me.

I can overcome this next Titan with less effort than I have become used to, because I am open now, open to the help, to the hope and to leaning on the strength of another.

Day 307 "I Have No Question"

Many days have passed since I started the walk towards this great unknown.
Yesterday is becoming more and more an acceptable time in my past; yesterday is finally staying in my past.
Between the time that my world shifted and the shift that is happening now, I am aware of the importance of instinct and will alone.
Every breath I am taking is one that feels a bit lighter than the one that came before it.
After so many forced steps, I am finally finding the will to let go of this desire to control the chaos, I am finally accepting the fear that comes with change.
My heart knows how it misses another one next to it. How much of a gift it is to share these brief moments in this life, with another that desires to reflect that gift back, another that has a heart that beats in steady rhythm with our own.

Time The Thief has a way of stealing so much time that we can fall in to the cycle of trying to reclaim what he has taken, even when what has been stolen should not be reclaimed at all.
I am made stronger by this waiting, even if I don’t always feel this way.
I am now more ready to appreciate the more beautiful things now, even if so many things still look so ugly.
I am finally ready to break the silence of hearts desires.

After all this time, there is a true break in the darkness that has clouded my vision for so long, and my heart, finally, is able to see what I was searching for all along; I can finally see myself and all the other beautiful hearts around me.

Companionship is the answer to a heart that wanders lost, broken, and alone in the darkness
Lust, desire, conviction and honesty so real that it hurts...these are the keys to the door that we all seek to find.
Many days have passed since I first stumbled down this rabbit hole.
I am certain that this was always how it would end up.
I am accepting that control was never in my hands.
I a learning to accept that I have to finally accept.
Commitment to a better life, a better view, a better moment, that is my reason for never giving up.
Honoring the desires of my heart, as it reaches so impressively across this distance, is the only thing I know for certain. Never knowing where it is trying to lead me is the great stress of my life; either way it is leading me to a future I have never known.

After all of this darkness, all of this change, all of these trials, and all of the secrecy between my own heart and mind, I have finally come in to contact with the very things that I have used all along to help me keep from letting go, I am finally in contact with hope and possibility.
I am finally in contact with the ember that has become a small flame.
I am finally on speaking terms with my heart.

Day 306 "Remember"

I won't allow to myself forget how I got here.

This one lesson I have learned.