Day 121 "Deer In The Headlights"

Like a deer caught in the headlights, this life has a way of making us stop and stare into the bright void of our potential downfall. This life has a way of forcing us to question how it could come to this, how it could have gotten this far, and whether we can move even a step further?

Don’t just call me a pessimist.

This is not all about negativity, this is about the good things to.

There is something about being face to face with something beautiful, something potentially lethal to our current state of mind, something that has the possibility of making you care, something unknown to discover, something that can leave us standing paralyzed and scared as well…something that might make us feel anything at all.

Life is all about fear, and anything worth anything has a certain amount of fear within it. There is no point in trying to avoid being afraid, as it is inevitable that even the things that cause us pleasure can inevitably cause us pain.

Everything has the potential to hold us paralyzed in both reverence and respect.

Life is about accepting fear.

Standing defiant to the things that would seek to hurt us, while we also stand accepting and vulnerable to the things that do not, is such a powerful thing.

Life is knowing that fear exists, and knowing that it will be walking with us almost every step of the way, and that it only ever holds temporary power.

Life is about accepting all the shady company we keep in the hopes that we will overcome the next oppressive moment.

Standing like a deer in headlights, but with fists and the ability to push back.

Standing paralyzed and fearful that we might come face to face with something more than what yesterday brought us.

Fear is mine.

Fear is walking with me every step of the way towards the bright lights ahead.

Fear has as much right to fear me, for I may learn to accept its existence…and then fear will have to continue to stand paralyzed, while I walk away. 

Day 120 "Sun Going Down"

The last hours of light in a day always seem filled with a sense of melancholy, like watching an old friend say good bye…for perhaps the last time; so unlike the early morning hours that give me a sense of potential contentment.

I try to appreciate what I have when I have it, but at the end of the day, when I catch those last few moments of soft light, I realize that I have taken some things for granted yet again.

I don't beat myself up for doing this anymore, for making the mistake of slipping back into auto-pilot and coasting through my days...not like I used to anyway.

Now I set goals to reach on a daily basis, and I take time every day to embrace the concept of being alive, by acknowledging the gift of this life, if only for a few moments.

Life is by no means easy, and it is made even harder by losing the things and people that we love, and by having to watch each day pass into dull history faster than we can possibly learn to accept.

I know that this curse of the fading day is not mine alone, but ego demands that I share this emptiness with no one. I know that these sunny days may come back, and that there is no point in spending too much time in the sad undertow of the dying day…but I know that this day will never come again, I know that this day will stay lost forever now.

In our memory the past will take its place, and in our hearts our future desires rest.

I know that nothing is lost completely, and nothing, not even the dying light of a beautiful sunny day is dead eternally.

We should smile for the moments that we have, and for the moments we were blessed to have…we should smile for the hope that we might have even a moment more.

We have much to be thankful for, and proper perspective of the life we get to experience is needed if we are going to stop wasting the day.

We can allow ourselves to feel sad for the ending of a sunny day, or we can learn to embrace the night, and smile for the knowledge that at least we had one sunny day left to experience...and if that is all we ever had, then at least we had that last one.

Day 119 "Content To Listen"

"Eat your veggies" my mom would say.

When I was younger I never understood the importance of following those wise words. There never seemed to be room for the healthy stuff, but put a piece of cake in front of me, no matter how full I was, and it has no chance at all against my sweet tooth.

And that's the way it is when we are children isn't it? Told constantly by the ones we love and who love us, the ones who have sworn to protect us throughout our brief journey, of all the best ways to get by in this vast world; and all we can do is shrug these thoughtful words of wisdom off in our youthful ignorance.

But now we are older, and now we have been saved more than once by the kind words of our life teachers, more times that we could possibly know. Now we are old enough to respect and listen to the life lessons that they have always provided us. Now we have learned to push aside the screaming of the ego long enough to hear the words of our thoughtful teachers.

I look back on my youth, back to the days where I thought that I knew what was best for me, back when I thought I knew everything, and how I always fought the opinions of the ones that I deemed in a position of power.

Always holding a fist raised in the air and in defiance to the ones that seemed to be burying me with their opinions.

Now, after all these years and after all the pitfalls that my teachers gave me the knowledge to cross, I look back on those days and am happy that I no longer need to feel like I need to resist the advice of others.

Now I am open to listen to anyone who I may respect, and I would not want to go back to that ignorant and youthful time where I thought I knew all the answers, that time where the words of wisdom were lost among the loud sound of defiance.

Even now though I know that I will always question the answers given to me, even now my fist still tries to raise in that familiar defiance, and even now I am learning to be content to listen.

Today I learned to be thankful for all the advice.

Today I learned to appreciate the time my teachers put in.

Today I learned from you.

Day 118 "The Land Of The Forest Spirits"

Today I took Danbox with me to the comic expo, and as expected he darted from one area to another trying to soak it all in. I could tell that he didn't understand all that he was seeing, and also that he enjoyed all of what he was witnessing; everywhere, adults at play!

My small world, with all of its stresses and ego driven ruminations does not offer the little box man much room to see the bigger picture; that a lot of people are making an attempt, every day, to connect with what they love, and to share that connection.

It is so easy to forget that this world is not always a war of attrition, and that not

everyone is carrying concealed weapons aimed at our hearts.

Here in this place, surrounded by all the superheroes, supervillains and whatever crossover character you can think of, I know that this is not the place to be

considering the missteps of my past or the daunting pressure of the future; this is the place where we simply enjoy the act of play.

I watch as Danbox makes his way over to a table of glow in the dark Kodama figures (Tree Spirits). He stands within them and looks down upon them, and somehow I can tell that he gets it; I can tell that he knows that these bring happiness to some of these people, happiness that they share with others…these little creations that bring forth smiles.

He looks up at me, and somehow I know that he wants me to share this discovery with him, that he wants me to be here in the now, and not far away in some troubled time.

I pick up one of the little Kodama’s and give it a close look, and with a smile I place it back down and look over to Danbox and say “Let’s enjoy this day together my friend”.

At this I could see Danbox hovering slightly off the ground, not much, but enough for me to know that he was currently free of emotional weights, and that he was currently simply dancing with the forest spirits.

For now he wasn’t carrying the weight of my own thoughts and emotions, for now he wasn’t held to the ground by his own ruminations either; but this is now and not

tomorrow, and we have to appreciate this moment to the fullest, to live in it now, and to forget, if only momentarily, that tomorrow is unknown and that Time The Thief never sleeps.

Day 117 "Jumping In Puddles"

As the days pass me by I try to acknowledge and respect the moments that feel more meaningful to me, and I realize that I have lost parts of myself that found fulfillment in the simple things. Somehow I managed to let the anxiety and desperation of everything seep its way into my veins, causing me to succumb to this numbness of the soul.

Now everything is about dreams. Everything is about feeling real again, feeling alive again, and simply feeling anything again.

I worry about success, about acknowledgment, about relevance, and about achieving something that has impact.

All this stress has created a choke-hold on my heart…but Danbox as always shows me the error of my ways.

I watch as the little box man, playing in the smallest of puddles, and with the most fulfilling sense of childlike bliss, dances within its waters so very freely; and I realize that I have forgotten along the way, the simple things that matter, the simple things that allow us to feel.

I forgot that we must never let go of celebrating the importance of play.

I somehow let go of the reverence that I had for this gift, this impossible chance to exist within this body and in this time.

Somehow I simply stopped seeing the beauty in beautiful things.

I wonder if Danbox, from time to time, ever forgets these things as well? If he feels numb from it all, or whether he has a reverence far deeper than mine for these universal things.

There is such importance in enjoying things that matter to no one but yourself, and I forgot the fulfilling emotion of not worrying about whether I looked like a fool or not.

I somehow forgot to keep jumping in puddles, despite the strange looks from those around that embrace the serious only.

Danbox knew I understood the importance of simple play, he knew that this dark emotion was only a passing storm, and he playfully kicked water towards me, trying to get me to let loose and join in the fun...but I could only give a slight unsure smile.

"Soon little buddy...hopefully very soon?"

He shrugged and went back to what mattered most in his life in this moment...just him and his innocent puddle jumping.

"Soon" I am telling myself "hopefully very soon?"

Day 116 "The Best Ending"

Where are we going? Where will we end up? What happens next?

These heavy questions are always met with both apprehension and fear; these impossible questions that are also always met with hope.

I know the journey ahead will take us far away from home, and we will have to leave the most important things behind if we hope to walk unencumbered.

Nothing will prepare us for the futures we travel to more than an open mind.

We are the children of the universe, the sons and daughters of the world itself, and if you ever felt alone, you never were.

The ones that you know, the ones that you knew, and the ones that you have yet to meet are on the map that you carry with you.

How long will I be gone?

How many times will I trip?

How many times will I find myself looking back?

Even more heavy questions to potentially carry with you, and even more reason to try to let these questions go as soon as you can.

Even with our universal knowledge, we may forget to remember our connections, and we might even lose the light of our northern star.

We might even lose the memory of home itself.

The map we look at forever changes and has endless points of interest.

The map we carry with us does not always feel as light as paper, sometimes it is as heavy as our hearts.

Time moves forward even if you choose to stand in place.

Time The Thief steals everything it can as you make the safest plans for the road ahead.

With all these heavy questions, all these fears that threaten to drown us, and the small flicker of hope to guide our next step; we can only tell the universe that we hope for the best ending this time around.

Day 115 "The Colour Of Will"

What does it take to succeed? To follow a dream? To reach beyond the limits that you and others have placed upon you?

What does it take to overcome the weight of opinions?

How long can we allow ourselves to stay in the noisy and confusing dark? This place that has us too afraid to choose one path over another, in the fear that we might close the door on greatness by simply making a choice.

What does it take to force us out of the devoid realm of both fear and judgment, to try to find the depth and colour in the things that we ourselves know that we want, but don't know how to achieve?

Is it the fear of hitting rock bottom that compels us to search for the light in our lives? Or do we need to plummet straight to the depth and darkness of our psyche to see what hope lies ahead?

Everyone has an idea of the will and want of their hearts. Everyone has the tools necessary to understand the quiet voice within that sounds and echoes of hope and desire, and of spiritual fulfillment.

It is not everyone's destiny to reach the heights of the possibility that lies before them, and for some, they simply do not want to try hard enough, for them this life is nothing more than the act of overcoming one trial after another, and finding worth in just that. For some, there is no desire to find out what lies over the horizon.

At times my world becomes grey in tone and all I see is the pavement where my lost feet tread upon; but I cannot stay within the colorless and apathetic mindset for too long…the fire inside always sparks of hope and wonder.

For me I choose to fight, to uncover and discover, and to force one foot in front of another…never giving up on the journey ahead.

For me it is a decision to respect the voice inside that wills me beyond this noisy darkness, and it is my desire and personal truth to learn to create something of colour and spiritual substance within this confusing dark.

Day 114 "Create And Destroy"

Looking over this city on a sunny day, I have to take a moment to soak in this

impressive testament in our ability to create...only equaled by our ability to destroy.

It is true that as we get older we see the perspective better than we did in our youth, back then when we believed we knew everything, and when we thought that our

opinions had any weight at all.

When we used to only feel the complete one-sided mind of a disenchanted youth.

When we had a bad day and so everything sucked.

When we had a great day and so life would always be this way.

My adult mind lays waste to those thought patterns now.

Now, a bad day is tempered by reason, and a good day always feels like it is fading too fast to fully enjoy.

Now the highs and lows are more or less kept in check, along with the ego; where in my youth it ran unchecked and unsupervised.

Today as I look upon the skyscrapers and the man-made parks that used to naturally exist, before we needed to tear them down and build them back up, I can feel almost an anger in the heat that emanates off the hardened concrete…and still there exists the slightest wind that gracefully, and almost forgivingly, brushes against my face; in a world of concrete and dead gods, there still seems to be hope.

What will I build in my lifetime?

What will I bring down?

Will I ever create something impressive? Or does my gift lie in the ability to destroy so fully?

One day I will look upon these man made titans as an older man, and I will have to look back on my life and see if I built anything to rival their impressiveness.

I sometimes fear that I might only end up leaving a trail of burned dreams along these scorched paths that I have chosen to walk. 

Sometimes I think that I may have left this burnt path so my past would know where I have been, where I am going, where I had tried, and where it can find me.

Sometimes I think I simply don’t know any other way.

There is no doubt in my mind that I must learn to pay attention to at least a few more of these steps ahead of me, a few more of those signs in the immediate distance, and somehow learn to accept that some of the things I have destroyed cannot be rebuilt.

Day 113 "Home In Alien Lands"

We wandered through the forests path together once again, Danbox and I, and this time he looked as though he was protecting each and every step, as if one wrong move and he might be lost here forever in this clearing that we have found.

Another dead forest created by our desire for progress, and left behind among the corpses and shrapnel of desecrated trees were two lazy-boy chairs, as if someone had decided to choose to watch this violent act against nature as if it were a Hollywood movie.

I studied Danbox, how he reacted this time to it all. I didn’t mean to bring him to a place like this again, but as with much of life, we do not get to choose where we end up or what we find along the paths we tread upon.

The little box man climbed his way up on to one of the chairs and sat down for the longest of moments, as if he was trying to connect with the reason anyone would be sitting here choosing to watch these things?

I could feel how lost he was in this moment, and how far away from his home he must be; even my home is beyond a great distance now…and if home is where the heart is, then I couldn’t tell you where my home is at all.

They say home is where the heart is, but when that heart chooses to journey ahead or stay behind without you, then you must make a home somewhere else.

Even in strange, uneven, and ever changing lands, we can build a temporary home, one to help shelter us from the storms ahead.

If we look hard enough, and stay true and close to hope and an optimistic view, we will always find an unlikely place to rest and recuperate from our journeys. We may not call this home, but for a time we can pretend.

No matter the destruction we are surrounded by, the losses we have had to endure, and the battles we have had to fight, if you hold on to hope for yourself, then you will

always find that one place to call home...even if only temporarily.

At this moment I can see Danbox choosing to accept the temporary comfort of this place, closing his eyes to the defeat that they see, and choosing to try to find a

temporary home in these alien lands.

We both know that before too long it will be time to walk away from this place and towards another anyway.

Day 112 "Walking Into Somewhere"

Into the unknown we walk with apprehension and this weak hope in our hearts, with just enough hope to light the way of the next uncertain footstep.

The chaotic nature of this life leaves little room for a perfectly planned destination, and in an uncertain future lies a sunrise we have never seen.

If we keep with us this desire to overcome these demons that bite at our heels, we will eventually arrive somewhere far away from where we started, and hopefully placing some distance between us and this dark history that we drag along with us.

Some of us choose which paths to take from years of careful plotting, in the hopes that we will find the great destinies we have no doubt earned for ourselves.

For some, no matter how methodical we are with charting our course, will find no greatness at all, even though we planned ahead. For some of us, we only walk blindly forward and end up back where we started.

Others simply wake up and walk forward with their heads down, tripping along every step of the way and stumbling into greatness by accident.

You can never know who you are meant to be, only who you intend to, and there are no rewards because you called it out in the air first.

You will always have fear, and if you protect it, you will always have hope to light the way ahead.

If the destination matters, then so should the journey.

We should not waste this precious life by forgetting the experience of experience.

No one adheres to exactly the same concept of greatness, and for most, greatness is impossible to understand until you find the moment that you have arrived at it.

At the beginning of our journey, filled with so much fear and apprehension, and this idea of greatness; we place one foot forward, followed by another, and we eventually get ourselves lost in the chaos.

Our idea of greatness eventually changes when we learn of what greatness really means. Our concept of everything shifts and phases out as we uncover new truths, and the people we thought we were become the strangers we choose to discover.

With no idea of where we will end up, we all walk into somewhere, and from here we can end up anywhere.

Day 111 "The Sky Is A Landfill"

There is no escaping the impact of our existence.

Everything used up leaves behind a fragment of its former glory in this world of

physical and emotional trash.

All I hear is a planet of people blaming everyone else for the mess that they have made. So many people trying to clean up the mess of another, with no intent on ever getting around to cleaning their own houses first.

Blame the government.

Blame your parents.

Blame your boss.

Blame your bad luck.

Blame your ex.

Blame your neighbor.

Blame your God.

Blame the existence of the stone you chose to throw at another.

A world of glass houses and blind owners.

If only we would clean up after ourselves and properly throw out the trash we have collected, in the proper place, and for the right reasons.

Running your mouth without an answer is a dirty thing to do.

Building an empire with mortar and lies will eventually topple down upon everyone.

And at the very least, make some attempt to make it look as though you are trying to clean up your own mess before you tell someone else how to clean up theirs. 

Day 110 "Waking Dreams"

In a dream I look back to the ocean once again, back to the water’s edge and the beauty of nature and life, and back to these reoccurring dreams that I share with Danbox.

It wasn't long ago that I was standing with the little box man at the oceans edge, and already I am forgetting all the details…I wonder if is forgetting as well?

The sound stays with me, buried deep in my spirit and echoing within my heart, but the scent of the salty air is a bit dull now.

I remember only fragments of a shells patterns, even though I spent more than a few moments looking them over.

Everything in my past is becoming a dream.

I am losing my grip on the details in everything, and with no one to help remind me of what I once had, and what I once experienced, it all just becomes a series of dull images painfully sharp at times.

I have to go back to reignite my memories, but even then there is always something missing and something added...nothing can ever be the same again.

My present will inevitably become the dream that I long to reclaim, but it will never be mine to have this way ever again. These smiles and these tears will never again be this clear to my mind, and eventually it all fades within a dream.

I see this now, the way that we try to change, and how we never change.

In a moment of clarity I see the way we hold on to precious moments, as if they define us, as if they are all we are, and how we try so hard to control this universal chaos.

These visions of the ocean, these moments that I say define me, these fragments that blur as I replace them with today’s pieces...how even love becomes a dream.

There is only so far anyone can walk on their own, only so much that anyone can carry on their broken backs, and only so many steps that we can take when we are weighed down by these heavy hearts.

We live today in a dream of yesterday.

We define ourselves by moments that we cannot see clearly anymore.

Our lives are nothing but real dreams, dreams in a life that no longer feels like it ever could have happened the way that it did.

Am I dreaming now?

Day 109 "Responsible Intention"

Speak up.

You are given the ability to say something that matters.

You have been given the ability to write, to speak, to sing and to create; to reach people on a level that strikes deeper than the monotonous everyday drive for survival.

Be careful with your words and intentions, and take responsibility for the potential collateral damage of your inventions.

Never allow fear to hold your tongue and paralyze a creative mind. No one has to like what you say, and no one will have power over the outcome of this cathartic act of self-evolution if you scream it loud enough.

The company you will eventually keep is the company you call out to, so be aware that speaking of only your hellish trials and tribulations will gain you the company of The Wretched.

Every word we speak to the public is a call out to connect with another, and every creation spawned from yourself will eventually make its way to someone with a response, with an opinion, and with the power to ignite their own fires.

We are given the gift to immortalize our thoughts, to leave behind proof that we were in fact alive, that we mattered; if only to be seen by a few.

Speak up, but take responsibility for your creations.

Your purpose may not be to change the world, and in some cases this honestly might just do that very thing.

What matters most is that what we say, what we create, and what we choose to

unleash upon this world changes us.

It matters that we seek out new horizons and that we use these gifts to help us over the chasms we fear the depth of.

It matters that we speak up…if only to hear our own desires spoken to this impersonal universe.

Day 108 "All That Could Have Been"

The sacrifices we make in the name of the ones we adore are not always seen.

Sometimes what we do for another will only ever be known by us and us alone.

Sometimes we are the only one that can survive on this vacant planet so full of ghosts.

As time passes we are made aware of what we have done to save something

important, and what we have lost in an attempt to remain the person that we once were; but are no longer.

It is only when we let go of hope in the hopeless, and when we finally admit to

ourselves that Time The Thief has been busy taking away our moments while we waited, that we see that we have only been looking back the entire time.

It is only now that we see that Time The Thief was stealing from our future while we guarded the past.

Staring back on our innocence and the only reference points that we have to better times, there is no way of preparing ourselves for what possibilities and pitfalls lie ahead.

So we stumble through the emotional minefield of our hopes and dreams, tripping over our desires and fears, and even now we trample over all that could have been.

One day we will wake up from this desperate dream and find ourselves strangers to ourselves, and in need of saving.

The usual ones we rely on for help have long since abandoned us, for we abandoned them first.

We became cynical and scarred, scared and bitter, and we became strangers to the ones that we knew in an old life.

We decided to live on this vacant planet full of ghosts.

I have looked back upon what I have done to rescue hope, and what I have done to leave one path lit enough to help you find your way back.

Now all I see is a trail of pieces of myself, scattered along this alien path behind me; with each piece letting go of what could have been.

The sacrifices we make in the name of the ones we love cannot always be seen, but this time I have lit the trail long enough to see exactly what I have done.

This time I did not light the path for you.

Day 107 "Defiant And The Waters Will"

I had a dream about the oceans edge, this unending place where I found myself deep in thought about everything that matters in my life, everything that I think matters.

Staring out over the water I understood the concept of this endless everything.

I succumbed to the overwhelming sense of scale, and how I was at the mercy of

Poseidon's will, and the knowledge that there is no hope of holding back his will at any time in this life.

Not every battle can be won.

Not every wave will break at your feet…and not everything you adore will protect your heart. 

So still, afraid, and overwhelmed was I now. There I stood defiant alongside Danbox, as both of us waited for the water to rise; both of us uncaring if it did.

Only a ripple at first, but then came wave after wave, breaking upon us mercilessly, trying to suck us underneath an angry and heavy undertow.

Each time we were scattered to the ground, each time we picked ourselves back up.

Here we stood once again at the water’s edge, defiant to Poseidon's rage.

It wasn’t long until we understood that we were only fighting ourselves.

Each wave manifested from our fears, our disappointments, our ambitions, and this need to always have some sort of control over the elements.

As we stood side by side I knew we shared in the understanding that you cannot control chaos, that you cannot choose the universes decision, and to do so makes trying to a fool’s errand and an optimists downfall.

Stand defiant to the waves of chaos and drown.

Stand in resolution that sometimes we have to challenge the rising water only to drown in its understanding.

There is power and strength in knowing that not every battle should be fought, that it is your best chance at not being broken by the waves of Poseidon's rage, to simply let go and step one foot into the cold water.

To accept defeat in the reverence and understanding of your own limitations is an act of universal acceptance, and through this spiritual movement we all drown beneath these waves of understanding.

Day 106 "Facing The Corner While Facing The Facts"

I think from here I must start finding my way back.

From here I must actually force myself to push forward through the darkness.

From here I must make change happen.

I must set fires to the history of me.

From here I must stop choosing a path to walk while I ponder yet another fork in the road.

From here I must strip my defenses bare, I must stand naked and vulnerable to the universe, and offer my allegiance to the future...to my future.

From here I must truly attempt to find my way back to myself.

From here I must end that part of me which seeks to steal back from Time The Thief.

I know that from here I simply need to do something.

Day 105 "Checkmate The Oppression"

There is nothing more frustrating, or disconcerting, than coming up against something that you believe you cannot win against.

Optimism only goes so far, and optimism as you are getting your ass kicked just feels like a wasted and empty virtue.

You cannot win every war with a smile or simply by turning the other cheek.

Sometimes you have clench your hands into fists and dig your heels in, sometimes you have to ready yourself to attack this new enemy, because sometimes there is no chance of peace.

Sometimes war must be the answer.

We teach the ones around us how we should be treated, by how we act or how we choose not to.

We teach them what is acceptable and what will not go unnoticed.

Leave passive aggression to those that are too afraid to get their hands dirty by actually fighting for what they believe in.

Sometimes walking away from someone is more challenging than meeting them on the battlefield, and experiencing a blade to your back is more preferable to placing one in theirs.

There is nothing in life worth defending that you can defend with hope alone. There is nothing so easily defended that all you are asked is to clasp your hands in silent prayer and do nothing more.

You must be willing to get your hands a little dirty from time to time, and you have to be selfish when it comes to protecting the happiness that you seek out from these dark places.

There will always be oppression, but there will also always be rebellion as well.

No matter who or what would seek to hold you down and weaken your self-image, no matter who would make it their own personal mission to sabotage the strong individual that you are, and no matter what force presses itself upon you...there is always the option of rebellion.

There is always enough breath for a battle cry.

Let them try to break you, and watch as they break themselves upon you instead.

In silence you have planned your next move while they closed their eyes to throw

ignorant fists.

Wait for the moment to kill the Queen early, and to bring out their arrogant King from his illusion of safety; then release the pawns of change!

Checkmate.

Day 104 "My Team VS Your Team"

Everything comes down to my team vs your team doesn’t it?

It doesn't matter what issue is being discussed, there is always a conflict of ideas, of opinions, of beliefs, and a differences of values at the core of it.

Someone always has to play devil’s advocate, if only for the sake of forcing the conversation to go somewhere further than "You know what? You are right, well, I guess that's that, now what?"

 We like to have our opinions don't we? About everything. We act as if these opinions define us completely, as if the teams we have chosen are better than the ones currently beating us.

In the face of fact we still choose to defend the lies.

We feel a safety in the separation, it makes us feel individual and unique, and even though we seek the attention and acceptance of others, it is safe to say that most of us will end up defending these beliefs at one point or another, and in such extremity that we will no doubt push someone away that did not deserve it.

But we have our team, and we bleed for them, and sometimes in the name of defending an opinion, casualties will have to be made.

Saying that you do not have an opinion, or a belief, or a value worth expressing is also choosing a side, and there are many people who choose that group of lowered expectations, which is just fine; there are enough arrogant captains trying to coach the team they serve anyway.

So no matter who you are, and what beliefs you have, and what values you have sworn to protect and defend, I will meet you somewhere on the playing field, and we will get the chance to try to beat each other down if only for entertainments sake.

Day 103 "White Noise"

There are times when you just stop and stand right where you are, and everything in your life just comes to a sudden halt.

This is not the same as feeling paralyzed. It is so much more controlled than that.

Everything outside of your head and your heart become distant and irrelevant.

Everything just fades away into white noise.

I can never tell how long I have been lost in these trances when they wash over me, for when I come out of them I feel like enough time has passed to change me, and yet not enough to create any real lasting change.

It is a disorienting feeling to spend an entire day keeping yourself distracted, only to have this uninvited honesty rush in and steal the wind from your sails.

I have become unfamiliar with happiness, but I know it exists, and I can still remember those moments that made me feel alive, not just this act of breathing.

This type of honesty has never been comfortable to say out loud and in the open, but I am working my way back towards myself, back towards a place of hope and love, of trust and honor, of faith and truth, of dreams and desires, and there is no shame in removing the mask… if only for a moment.

I am responsible for the outcome.

It is my duty and obligation to defend and honor myself.

It is my choice to embrace whatever may come or stay running scared in the hopes of safety somewhere far away.

I am held accountable when it comes to protecting my dreams by letting go of theirs.

It is my will alone to hold on to hope and faith, in any form that I possibly can.

I must celebrate this life by leaving behind something more than my thoughts alone. I must place these words upon the page, stop time and freeze it for all to see, in the hope that one day I may lead someone out there through the darkness of their own despondent place.

I am out of that trance once more, and the world is once again more than just white noise.

I know that if I never stop trying, if I never give up on hope and optimism, and if I never let go of my will to meet life half way, that there will come a moment once again where my world will come to a halt.

I know that once again I will be met with the clarity of this white noise, where everything will fade into the background, and where everything seems less tangled and impossible; and when it does, I will welcome it with a smile. 

Day 102 "Dust And Dreams"

 There is no escaping all the things that you have to get done.

You can try to put them off for as long as you can, but in the end you have to face these things and decide how you are going to handle them.

No one said anything about anything ever being easy, so you can leave that expectation at the door right now.

No amount of clever sayings or advice will ever fill your resolve enough to ever make you feel prepared for the ending of anything.

No one will ever have all of your answers.

There should be no one with the strength to stop you from succeeded in your ambitions, no matter the weight of the fears they have placed upon your shoulders.

You can put your dreams on a shelf and let them gather dust, but they will always be that dirty little secret in the corner, and you will always feel the pull of their demands.

One day you will have to choose whether or not to take those dreams off the dusty shelf you once placed them on.

One day you will have to pull that box down and open it back up, and dig deep inside for all those dreams you thought you might never get around to, but always hoped that you would.

The longer you wait to listen to the will of your heart and choose to keep who you are locked up in a dust covered box on an empty shelf in the corner, the more power you give to Time The Thief.

Regrets are a heavy thing. They tie themselves to your ankles and weigh you down more and more, until you can no longer tread the water and keep your head above the waterline.

Regrets have only the ambition to drown.

Make no mistake, that as long as you draw breathe you will have to eventually choose what you are going to do with everything that demands an answer, and everything that demands your actions.

At some point you must ready yourself for the day.

You can choose to stay in bed a minute longer, but there is no reward for the act of procrastination, unless you place value on the weight that regret brings?

At some point you must choose to place those shoes upon your feet and meet life halfway.

At some point you will have to choose to move into action, if only to stay one step ahead of heavy regret.

I think it might be time to take those dreams down off the shelf and dust them off.

Don’t you?

Day 101 "Questions And Resolutions"

I wish you were here.

How many times am I going to have that thought in this lifetime?

How many great moments do I have to witness on my own from here on?

Where are you now?

In a world so connected, how can I possibly never know where you are?

What are you doing? What are you thinking? Who is getting the best of you now?

I have tripped over these questions for so long now, and still I pick them back up like wounded soldiers and carry their weight even further.

There is strength in answers, and weakness in the silence of the unanswered.

Do I ask myself these questions any longer? Do I carry their unforgiving weight even further?

Yes, if I want to waste even more time.

Yes, if I want to weaken myself even further.

Yes, if I want to choose my past over my future.

Yes, if I want to close the door on another.

There is strength in the answers found in the right questions.

Am I honestly tired of being met with silence and distance?

Yes, I most certainly am!

On my own I will shed this terrible habit of looking back.

On my own I will choose this frightening future over the comfort of my past.

On my own I will find the answers to all these questions that I don’t want to even ask.

On my own I will learn to stop carrying these wounded soldiers with me, every step of the way.