Day 91 "By Morning Light"

By morning light I will attempt to lead a new path.

By morning light I will set fire to this part of me.

By morning light I will stay true to my convictions.

By morning light I will start looking forward.

By morning light I will have made my way through yet another dark evening.

By morning light I will respond to the truth.

By morning light I will be something more than this weakness and fear.

By morning light I will be something more…I hope.

Day 90 "Weapons And Water"

There are so many different personalities in this world. Just so many ways to look at any one thing, to take on any one issue, to offer endless opinions on everything without fail.

The glass is half full, the glass is half empty, the glass doesn't exist; I say “Fuck the glass!”

How can anyone expect to see eye to eye when it is always, and endlessly, my team vs your team, in everything that we do?

If you are going to argue that my opinion is wrong simply because you can...then how can we expect to make any headway in this cynical dance that we do?

How can we expect to reach across this open water and connect in some kind of truth?

How can we ever be more than this opinionated self?

The push and pull of two opposing forces that try to see eye to eye and heart to heart, even though they are being torn away from each other is an act of extreme exhaustion.

 No one wants to lay down their opinionated weapons first, no one wants to accept a respectful truce anymore.

We all let loose our thoughts and opinions as if we have a right to force them upon each other, and then take offence when some else screams their thoughts back.

With all these differences, all these things that tear us apart, with all these ego ridden thoughts that keep us out of arms reach, we all seem to agree on one thing; Glass half empty. Glass half full. I will lay down my weapons if you agree to lay down yours first.

I will lay down my weapon if you raise your white flag of defeat before I do.

The only problem is that you speak the same words back.

No white flags will be raised today, no weapons will be lowered, and only an ocean of distrust exists between us.

Day 89 "Warm Fires And Cold Connections"

We are all so disconnected by the things that were supposed to help us connect.

We used to meet for coffee and talk about life, face to face. Now when we meet it is screen to screen and no one knows what anyone else is drinking.

We used to appreciate the warmth of a fire at our backs as we shared the same space, but now we want the brightest screen in the empty room that we choose not to share.

There was a time when we had time to listen to the story of another, when we had time to read the books that we were told about, but now we want our ego’s to shine brighter than these cold screens, we want our stories told first…we want our stories told all the time.

We offer opinions from a safe distance now.

We close our eyes to what people show us now.

We lie about meeting up in the future now.

All from the safety through these screens from a distance.

I am waiting for the day that we all try to see each other again. The day where we all choose to stop experiencing the world through the vision of another. The day where we stop waiting.

There are too many images.

Too many status updates.

Too many selfish actions.

Too many stories told that no one cares to hear about.

There are too many ideas that suffocate and smother the easiest idea of them all.

We need to disconnect and reconnect.

Day 88 "Lost And Found"

I panicked today. 

Today I woke up and Danbox was nowhere to be found.

Did he leave? Did he choose to go it alone? I truly hope not…

I searched everywhere that I could, in the small amount of time I had before work, and there he was, nowhere to be found.

I left to work and started retracing all the previous events that led up to this moment in my mind, trying to recall where I saw him last.

Did we have an argument somewhere within the haze of last night’s wine filled festivities that celebrated nothing?

This is a perfect example of just how distracted I have become with so many areas of my life, so much so that I have lost even the interest in the whereabouts of the ones that I care about...even my love is now so far from the map of my heart.

I am not even surprised at this lack of focus and this current disconnection from the world I used to know, the person I used to know, and the me I used to understand.

Sometimes your psyche raises its own defences to protect a mind that wants to wander too far to those empty and dark places, sometimes it does for just long enough to find what it is that you have lost; just long enough to regain some composure and calm.

Following this disappearance of Danbox the usual emotions came in to play, and the questions arose that perhaps I was one more step away from losing them all.

Was he hiding, was he lost...was he taking some time away from me?"

Perhaps I have been wearing my loneliness and apathy like a suit of armor for far too long? Maybe I have been too high strung and vocal about it?

I can't be certain why I would have no idea where he is? All I know is that no matter what reason for this distance, I can justify his potential reasons; I cannot escape myself, even though at times I try.

It is expected that you will misplace and lose the things that are important to you, and the question is whether or not you are meant to ever find them again? And Time The Thief alone knows the answer to this.

Some of us are lucky enough to find that important thing that we have lost and reclaim it in the most appreciative way possible, and for others, well; we simply lose something and it is not destined to be found ever again.

We keep looking, we keep digging, keep uncovering, and using hope to light the way and lead us back home.

Today I lost Danbox and today I found him once again

Tomorrow I may lose Danbox forever, like I have lost so many other things that made me who I am, and who I was.

What we have today is the only thing worth celebrating now, for sometimes tomorrow is too late.

Sometimes tomorrow simply never arrives.

Day 87 "Act Of Free Fall"

For some time now the old me and the new me have been hanging in a balance. We have been precariously dangling from the edge of a knife, both perpetually, and potentially, in need of an imminent fall.

Both sides trying to save the other from the fatal decent into emptiness. Both this past and present idea of who I am, who I am supposed to be, struggling to keep the future me at arm’s reach.

The strength of fear has pushed us to this edge, while the strength of fear has kept us from the inevitable decent.

This fear of a change that I cannot come back from.

 I can see that fear  has been playing both of us for puppets, and I can see that together the past, present and future I, will have to work together to end this puppet masters devious ways.

Together two of us must sacrifice ourselves for the third, for the future.

I am no longer concerned about fear, and from this point I am poised to raise my hand above my head and cut these strings that pull me along; ready to free myself from these vile strings that keep me so stagnant and paralyzed.

I know that I am ready to fall, ready to pull both of us down to become the other one upon hitting the ground.

It is no longer about fear or hanging in the balance. It is no longer about who has been pulling the strings or why I would let them.

It is about the art of falling, and the desire to destroy the illusion of safety to have a chance at something real.

It is about falling towards myself and finding the future me.

Day 86 "Beautiful Individual"

Fashion. You don't have to live for it, but you do live in it.

The act of trying not to fit in, is in fact, the act of trying to fit in somewhere.

You may try to act as if what you wear is no reflection of who you are, but really, it is.

Everything in your life is a reflection of who you are, no matter how much we try to say different.

No one has the right to judge you, but they will.

No one can define you by making assumptions, but they do.

No one will know the weight of the rings you wear, but they will guess anyway.

Dress for all and every reason, dress to your heart’s content, and remember that there is always going to be someone that loves that style of yours.

There will always be someone who thinks they know the weight of the ring you wear.

Day 85 "Boredom And The Mess We Make"

Boredom. It doesn't matter who you are does it? It is going to trip you and smother you to the ground at some point.

There really is no way to avoid this one thing. Boredom is simply a necessary evil in this life.

I find it interesting to think about the many ways that some of us choose to overcome the weight of boredom, how we attempt to distract a mind that has no interest in anything at all.

Eat more.

Sleep more.

Attach ourselves to the television more.

Drink more.

Smoke more.

Inject more.

Contemplate more.

Analyze more.

Build empires.

Bring down temples.

Create more.

Set our lives on fire even more.

Try to force the will of Time The Thief to take us to the ending faster.

For some, making a mess of things gives us a purpose in having to clean them up afterwards.

This seems to propel most of into action doesn't it?

Make a mess. Clean it up. Wash, rinse and repeat.

Over and over and over until we have no time for boredom at all.

Eventually though your house will be clean...and then it will be time to set it on fire once again.

Day 84 "Comic Relief"

You never know when to expect the comic relief in life. 

Sometimes it just builds and builds and builds, until you reach a point where you say to yourself "What fucking next?"

And then something happens that forces you to laugh against your will, and against your mood.

It happened on this terribly cold and desolate day with Danbox.

There I was, fumbling through my jacket pocket to find my missing black glove, I know I had it, didn't I?

Each pocket that I searched I searched again, a second and a third time, and more and more I became even more agitated. 

This is exactly what would happen next in my long line of disappointments, seriously, I can't even make sure that I have half of a dollar pair of crappy grocery store gloves! 

Closing my eyes I focused on my breathing to try and calm myself, but it's too late now...now everything starts to flood in, and I can feel my jaw tighten and teeth clench.

Why do I keep losing things?

My temper. My patience. My hope.

 A tear of frustration streams down my face unchecked...how did I let everything get this far? How did I let everything get so far out of control?

The feeling of this rogue tear forced me to open my eyes, and then it happened, the moment that broke this hostility, and challenged  me to laugh hard, breaking me out of the solitary and dark moment that I was in.

Before me was Danbox, with my missing glove wrapped tightly around his head. He had a look in his eyes that asked me if this was the proper way to wear this item, I asked him if he was warm now. He nodded yes to this.

"It looks good on you little buddy"

 I didn't have the heart to explain his silly mistake, and truth be told, I also needed to laugh a little bit longer.

I need more comic relief in my days it would seem.

Day 83 "The Fear Before The Trust"

You know that moment where someone tells you to try something new and you hesitate? 

They push you to take a chance, and promise that you will like the outcome.

This is that moment where you instantly look back on what you might have done to this person to make them trick you, and after a while, you usually can't think of anything worth retaliating for.

So you trust them, and you try this new thing; you take a chance.

Trust...the whole concept of trust is not physical in any form, but yet it hangs so tightly to acts physical in nature.

Trust is the only real power anyone can have over another, and if that trust is abused, if it is not handled properly, then it can become the quickest downfall for someone. Breaking the trust of another will no doubt change a person completely, and not usually for the better.

When you have trust you can have truth, and hands can hold on to each other tightly; but upon breaking this trust you separate yourselves with an ocean of potential lies…and this current is strong enough to always pull you under its dark will.

So when I asked Danbox to try my Orange Julius, he gave me that look of worry that I might be tricking him into something.

“Don’t worry little buddy” I said “You have not earned my lies”.

After a few moments he took a sip, and he was appreciative that I did not betray him.

He drank some more, and more, and more....and soon there was none left.

Moral of the story, if you are going to ask someone to trust you, then make sure you bring enough money to buy a second drink.

Day 82 "Battle Ready"

How many things in your life demand to be treated like the preparation for a battle?

How many trials have you waiting in ready for the moment to strike first? Or in meditation as to how to strike last?

We are lucky that not all battles are fought alone, and for some we are allowed the strength of another to rely on while we wade through the onslaught together.

Your friends are never to be underestimated, for they are the family that you have chosen, and the fellow brothers and sisters in arms that have given you their loyalty by bleeding alongside you.

No one can know when they will be called to fight for the cause of another, but in the darkest of times there is always the strength of the ones that will put their weapons in to the fray, to help slay the wolves at the gate.

You must never lose the respect and appreciation for the importance of being prepared to raise your sword to the call of your friends.

Together we bleed.

Together we fall.

Together we overcome.

Together we rush in to battle with someone to protect, even if we have to fall ourselves in doing so.

Day 81 "Clever, Smart And Silence"

In the silence that we can manage to find in our busy days, when the distractions fully subside, and all you are left to hear is the honest fear and understanding of what you must do next to uncover the truth. In this moment we see some clarity in it all.

Everyone plays games, games of the mind, and games of the heart. Some of us play for laughs while others play for keeps. Some play for excitement, while others play to lose.

These games that have us struggling to stay one step ahead of an emotional checkmate. 

These games of proving hope and of destroying it as well.

In this silence we sleep with angels and wake up with demons, and we inevitably set ourselves up for the downfall.

This has always been just a game.

All we can ever hope is that we are wrong, just this time, that we are wrong.

If there is logic in hiding a deception to try and save a soul, then I am not fit for reason.

If there is goodness in lies then I am running low on any redeemable qualities.

In the silence I know what I must do, and they will not appreciate me playing their game, for they fashion themselves clever and me a fool.

But clever and smart are not the same thing.

And while you waited for them to laugh, I made sure that they won't.

In Silence.

Day 80 "This Life Thing"

Some moments in my life make complete sense, while other moments have me standing on my head and playing the role of a misguided clown, the royal jester...the boy forced to wear a dunce cap for all to point at and mock.

I am not sure how I get through some of these days to be honest. I just do.

I am not sure if I am addicted to my history, or if I simply do not know how to properly say good-bye?

I just know that I think I used to know who I was, and now I am so many people at so many different times.

Right now I feel so faceless and free from being me.

There are moments in my life when I stop to look in mirrors to remember what my face looks like, for fear that the monster I am afraid that I am becoming is starting to change my look.

I want to understand where this darkness comes from, and how this slight flicker of hope manages to hold off the dark so completely?

I want to know how I can stop playing the fool.

I want to know how I can stop fearing change.

I want to know how I can stop standing on my own head.

I want to know…

Day 79 "Comfort In No Surprises"

I know that there exists a mouthwash that does not burn the flesh off the inside of your mouth, but I will never give up my morning ritual of feeling that bacteria burned in a purifying acid wash of blue, or green, or any other color of the rainbow of pain.

Why? 

Because life has too many surprises as it is, that’s why.

Some things I am happy with knowing the whole story, and knowing what to expect. Sometimes I just need to know that I absolutely know something.

Not everything needs to be an adventure, not everything needs to have secrets yet to be uncovered, and not everything needs to feel so alien.

Sometimes, it is important to know the ending of the story. 

Sometimes there is true comfort in knowing what to expect next, and in knowing that first thing in the morning you are going to suffer a bit for beauty and hygiene.

I have no idea what tomorrow brings, whether I will finally have answers to some of these questions that float around my head all hours of the night, or whether I will finally see clearly what will happen next?...but this I know, that tomorrow I will wake up and feel the pleasant expectant burn of purifying mouthwash.

I know this one thing, this one thing for certain I feel confident in.

The only problem is that I do not know whether I will be here in the morning, and Time The Thief never reveals this surprise beforehand.

Day 78 "Who Am I?"

So many faces to wear, so many colors to show, and so many reflections staring back from the mirrors surface.

Have you ever questioned who you really are? 

Are you made up of a million events that have led you to this moment? Are you the person that you were always destined to become? 

When do we know when we have arrived?

How can anyone possibly know who they are unless they become vulnerable? Unless they drop their defenses and rip off the mask that sits upon their face? 

How can anyone know who they are until they succumb to gravity, willingly?

To your close friend you might show your weakness and honesty, and yet to a stranger you might hide all of your fears in the hopes too impress.

Is this what it means to love? 

To let your guard down? 

To relinquish control of your defenses? 

To stand emotionally and spiritually naked before the object of your affections?

To let them see you for all of your fears, and all of your dreams…and all your failures?

Is this what it means to know yourself? 

To remove every ideal that others have placed in your mind? 

To listen to the voice inside that forces you to ask the questions that you fear the answers to? 

Is this the purest state that I can have? This state of vulnerability and gravity?

Is this me?

Which mask is not a mask at all?

Who am I?

Can I ever find my way back to myself?

Will I ever find my way back home?

Will I ever know more than these questions?

Day 77 "Swagger"

Swagger.

We all need to learn to walk with it, to take a moment to see ourselves for the amazing people that we are.

Some have tried to break us, to steal our shine, to disrupt our harmony...some have succeeded.

Yet we still have a choice in how we will approach each situation, no matter how distraught, and no matter how weak and powerless we may feel.

We all have the choice to show our true colors openly, to let them all judge us for our moment of weakness, and to give them power to hold us further pinned to the ground; or to place a defiant mask upon our face, and stand with steadfast resolve to everything that seeks to gain happiness from our current disheartened state.

Swagger.

Because we are better than this weakness.

Because we are stronger than that which seeks to break us.

Because we remember and know who we are.

Swagger.

Because we can, and we should.

Day 76 "Diamonds To Emeralds"

It is frustrating to know that you can spend your life in search of that diamond in the rough, and in pursuit of that one elusive desire closest to your heart, and you never know how close, or far, you actually are to finding it.

It is a heavy knowledge that we carry with us, every step of the way, and it forces us deeper in to the snow, making it harder to move forward from here. This knowledge that you can lose both blood and self-respect, that this journey will charge a heavy toll on both your faith and hope, that this desire to find something will be almost more difficult than walking away completely.

It is a terrible darkness to know that after all this time knee deep in the snow, frozen and lonely, after all this time of searching and questioning; that if you are lucky enough to uncover what it is that you were looking for, that there will always be someone waiting to take it from you. That there will always be that wolf following your trail of blood and tears, there will always be wolves in the distance.

There will always be a thief in the night.

We struggled to get here, we fell so many times that we lost count, and still we pushed on through the pain and stress of it all. We lost faith while our hope flickered and burned down to embers. We left a trail of our fading energies to show everyone just how tired we have become.

We brought the wolves here ourselves.

We stand stubborn and resolute against the forces of nature, and with a sword of hope, a shield of faith and a desire to defend what we found, we step forward into Hell one more time.

There is no guarantee that you will have the strength and destiny to hold on to this diamond that you feel is rightfully yours. There has never been a deal signed with Fate that promised you the diamond that you have always sought. 

In the end you may have to learn to let go of even the things that make you feel alive, you may have to rest when you reach the destination you have been travelling to, you may have to let the wolves creep in closer.

For some of us, we will only ever know the fight for this diamond, and we will stay walking wounded through this little Hell in pursuit of rescuing it, and ourselves in the process.

For others, they will choose to search for an emerald instead.

Day 75 "Work On Play"

We work ourselves down to the core.

We sell ourselves, our time, and our dreams for as much paper as we can get.

Defining ourselves by the amount of sweat we spill for a boss that wants even more paper than us.

We are the worker bees, we are the self-appointed slaves of a system that has us too burnt out and stressed to attempt to see beyond the veil.

We struggle through the day and we watch the clock as it gets closer to the end of our choice.

Some of us never see the system they are in, the wheel they are running on, or the simple fact that they no longer feel alive.

We walk now, we never run.

We wait for day that our paper comes, and we waste all the ones in between.

As children, we only knew paper as something we could create art upon, and even then we never saw this as creating art, it was only ever the act of play.

Now these children have grown up, to trample upon one another to climb the ladder as fast as possible.

We climb these ladders to the top of nothing, and the farther we stray from the children we used to be, the more we yearn for simpler times.

No matter what we must climb, we are too far along to slow down or stop. There are too many of us following closely behind, waiting to overtake anyone that shows any weakness or lack of resolve in their pursuit for glory.

We work for glory.

We work for stacks of paper.

We work to define ourselves.

We work because we have too.

We work to reach the top of the ladder, where our inner child will tell us “It is time to work on play”. 

Day 74 "Happy Birthday Little Buddy"

"Happy Birthday Danbox!"

I hope we can get this right, now that we are older and more wise...we can't always celebrate alone, right?

Day 73 "Against Gravity"

At times, we find ourselves having to take a moment out for ourselves, as if we have decided it best to put ourselves in the corner so to speak.

I catch Danbox laying in the darkness of a cupboard on his back and I think this must be exactly what he is doing right now. He stares up at the ceiling with such a blank and emotionless face that I truly worry about him in this moment.

I know this place well.

In this place we allow ourselves to dwell a bit in our own self-pity and regrets. In this place we force ourselves to see it from the darkest perspective that we have.

This is not necessarily a negative thing, sometimes you just need to tear yourself down emotionally for a bit, to speed up the process of hitting bottom, so that you can finally start to work your way back to the top.

It is always about trying to hit the bottom as fast as you can, but for almost all of us we fight so hard against gravity that we end up exhausting ourselves much longer than necessary. We end up putting a hold on the healing process of the climb back out of the emptiness.

Sometimes you just need a moment to let it all come down on you, to relieve yourself of the burden of carrying all that weight of carrying all your hopes, your desires and your heavy fears.

I imagine Danbox at this moment trying to sink further into the ground that his back rests upon, as if to say to the universe “Do your worst, in this moment I accept your heavy gravity”.

Lying back to the ground and eyes to the ceiling, focusing on nothing in particular, and just feeling the gravity of everything around us, accepting it for what it is; a moment. This simple act of allowing ourselves to succumb to the void within can sometimes lead to the pleasure of picking ourselves up and standing once again against the weight of everything.

Sometimes acceptance is defiance, and falling is the beginning of the climb back out.

Here I will rest a while longer, staring at this cold ceiling for a bit more, but soon I will embrace the warmth and hope that the sun brings once again.

Soon this little box man will shift and move away from the negative ground, and start the climb against it all.

Soon we will defy gravity once more.

Day 72 "Break That Chain, I Dare You"

Remember when I said how important money is? Well this is still as true today as it was yesterday.

Most of us are going to get up tomorrow with a lack of inspiration for the day we are about to have, because for most of us we have to dance for the masters again, for most of us, we have to build the empire of another.

You do what you have to do to get by though, of course just getting by gets pretty old, pretty fast.

So what is your plan to escape the clutches of the evil empire? What are you doing to limit your time, wasting time, in a soulless job that you just happened to stumble in to on a day where you just needed work?

If you are going to break that chain and stop dancing like a fool, then I suggest you have a heart to heart with yourself immediately.

You are talented.

You are beautiful.

You have so much to offer.

You are more than equipped with the skills and knowledge of how to get better at what you are already good at, and you know what? You can make some serious money off what you enjoy; don’t let anyone tell you differently, ever.

So do yourself a favor and take a moment after reading this, and ask yourself what the next step needed to take is to make your life what you want it to be.

Take one moment and then one more to choose whether you will follow your own dreams or allow someone to pay you to build theirs.

You get one shot at this life, so you better not waste it on being the pawn on a chessboard that does not belong to you, or a sad dancing jester moving to the beat of their ridiculous drum.

Start to break that chain right now....I dare you.

Day 71 "Choice"

It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, or what you are, at some point we all find ourselves in a bad situation, a dire situation that we just have to accept the fact that there is nothing we can do but deal with it. That we simply have to sort out the mess after the storm passes.

This dire situation, where despite all of our strengths, all of our faith, and all of our tricks, they are no match for our current dilemma.

Sometimes we just have to wait it out, and hope that when all is said and done that we will still be left standing.

Just because you have chosen one path does not mean that Time The Thief has not been secretly forcing you to walk another.

There is no guarantee that this storm will ever pass, and for some they might just have to get used to the unwelcoming weather; but that does not mean that you shouldn't try to overcome the odds.

You may be up against a Titan, trying to outrun both Time and your demons all at the same time, but in any situation you are given the gift of choice.

Whether or not this path leads you to the gate of the palace you seek, or beyond, is not a decision you can make.

Whether or not this storm will come to pass and leave all the things you hold dear untouched or thrown upon the ground shattered, is a decision made by time and only time alone.

Despite the heavy knowledge that we are but passengers on a road with no guarantee of a safe return, and despite the universal understanding that we do not control the direction of the winds as they carry us away from what we once knew; we can find some comfort that we still do have a choice.

There is always a choice as to how you will face your fate, and hopefully we choose to do this with dignity and acceptance, and not shame and regret.

We always have the choice to stare into the face of fear and into the emptiness of the unknown and stand defiant and ready, or broken and afraid.

I know that I will live, so that when I look back on my life and all of my dreams, and my many desires, I will say one thing "I tried".

This is the choice I have made.

Day 70 "Time The Thief"

When you spend enough time outrunning demons, you eventually find yourself in a strange place...an alien landscape.

The lush green forests that you used to walk in a former life have changed somehow, now they have been replaced by something less organic and more metal, and much colder. Now everything has closed itself in, almost prison-like in nature.

Where we go from here is anyone's guess, and the best you can do is continue on your blind journey through this unknown place.

With hope as a companion we stumble through this life, attempting to read the signs properly and trying to find our way back home.

Is home a place in the past or a destination in the future?

The people we become on our journey back home are not ever the same people who made the first step away from home in the first place.

One moment we are lost and scared in the darkness of this new harsh metal forest that we now find ourselves in, with no one close that feels close enough, and in this state of mind we are scared and terribly lonely, and we stop, paralyzed by fear. We always refuse to walk even a step further when we lose our northern star.

Eventually there comes a clarity in understanding that Time The Thief has never stopped pushing us away from our home, that Time never let us stop, for even a moment, and our impressionable minds soon shift from fear to one of resentful acceptance, for we never invited Time to walk with us this time around. This time we will choose to run faster than Time The Thief can push us.This time our chaotic minds will shift from fear, to resentment, to hope, and then to understanding.

We once thought that we could outrun our demons. We once thought that we had a chance to leave all the darkness behind; well that was a long time ago now that we once thought that.

We once thought that we could hide in this alien forest and try to make a home here.

We once thought that we could stop and stay in this lost place, paralyzed and scared.

We once thought that we could navigate through this labyrinth on our own, without taking the time to properly read the signs, to properly listen to our hearts desires.

We once thought a lot of things, but hope had other plans for us, and Time The Thief does not allow you to carry the safety and weight of home with you.

Sometimes in the process of outrunning demons you end up uncovering even more; but with the forced dedication to overcome the fear, to understand and learn to navigate this strange land, to run faster than Time The Thief can push, to stop looking for the safety of home at every turn, sometimes, just sometimes, we end up somewhere and someplace that connects with us, someplace that feels a bit more like home.

Day 69 "One Step Towards Destiny"

I understand that we are not destined for anything, I can feel the possibility in everything, and the choices we are given to potentially make.

I do not feel the pull towards any one fate, and I cannot say that anything is truly carved in stone.

I stand in darkness and attempt to find a light to focus on, something that might lead the way, to help pull me through...something that will be definite.

I am unsure about the steps that I take, and with every step I look back over my shoulder to see if you are still watching me; but I know that you are not], not any more.

I know that you are following your heart, and it is leading you to your destiny, to your fate, and you believe that you must leave me in this darkness, and I have to accept that.

Sometimes I show how much I am struggling, sometimes I take a step ahead of the light and end up in even more darkness.

I am not sure if I have a destiny, if I am supposed to read any of my signs clearly, or if I am ever supposed to escape this moment.

I feel as though I am meant to pull myself out of all this, as if I am to do battle with these demons alone...as if I am supposed to forge any destiny that I choose. As if my destiny has no relationship to fate.

If there was no hope, and no desire to heal, I know that I would have walked away by now.

All that is left is what action I choose to take, and with every step I am learning to not look over my shoulder as often, and eventually I will become the destiny that I choose.

Eventually I will end up where I was always meant to be; just one more step towards destiny.