Day 152 "Logic And Fear"

Another day in my life shared with Danbox, and I could not appreciate his company more. Somehow he always manages to place things in the proper perspective, and I know that he struggled emotionally over this past week while I struggled, wrestled, and fed all these demons of doubt and loss.

Now today I have to myself, and just the knowledge that I can go anywhere, do anything, is enough to give me option paralysis.

Danbox does not approve of my procrastination, he does not allow me the luxury of self-pity for long periods of time…and right now he is pointing towards the door while holding the keys to my vehicle.

There is no point in arguing for my current plan to lay on the couch and think, it’s beautiful outside, no one owns my time today, and Danbox clearly wants to get out of town.

We left the city behind in the distance, along with the weight of our urban lives.

More than an hour later we made our way to an abandoned picnic site hidden within a lush forest, and it was here where Danbox gave me the freedom to be aware with my thoughts, and of course now they were less negative in essence than they were in my current run down place.

The first lesson he taught me today, I must be aware of being aware, and I must consciously decide the roads that I am willing to let my mind travel. I must never choose to stand still, stagnant and within my negative thoughts.

I must move for the sake of creating some sort of momentum to build off of.

For the moment I let the little box man out of my sight, and I lay with my back down on the wooden picnic table and look up at the sky.

I realize that I do not look at the sky in awareness anymore. That the clouds have lost their wonder and the stars do not shine enough light to get my attention.

I realize right now that Danbox has become aware of this disturbing trend in my psyche, and right now I am aware of the lesson that he wanted me to learn.

After what felt like the better part of an hour I decided to find out where Danbox had decided to go.

It wasn’t long before I was taught my next lesson for the day, and it started with watching the little box man crossing over a raging river by using a very risky fallen log to do so.

I went to rush to him, to stop him, to save him, but he held up his hand to me as if to say “there is no need”.

I knew that I was only supposed to watch, and to learn a lesson here, and after a few moments I was aware of his thoughts. I could almost hear him speaking directly to my heart. The words reached through to me as I watched him take this risk willingly, and I was aware and open for the next lesson. I knew that Danbox approved by his slight smile send my way.

Lesson two.

The adventurous life, the fulfilling life, the life in which you end up looking back on stories worth remembering, is a life in which you must take more risks and not less.

It is a life of uncertainty that you want, not a life where every story has an expected ending, and even though this goes against the illusion of safety and control that most of us feel we must have in order to exist, it is without a doubt, the most certain thing you must strive for.

I can tell that there is supposed to be a struggle in almost everything that we do. That we are expected to see all things from as many angles as possible, and to never allow yourself the freedom to think you know everything about anything.

These struggles are not always the size of a titan, and some do not exist on any level of physical awareness, but there is always a payoff in challenging the storms, no matter how great or small.

There is always worth and growth in taking the chances that you might not feel comfortable with, or that you would ever want to, and in Danbox's case, balancing on a log over raging waters that would no doubt end his little existence, is exactly the experience he feels he needs to have. This is a story that he wants to carry with him, or perhaps it’s simply a fear that he wishes to challenge? I know better than to ask.

Which brings us to lesson three.

Your reasons are your reasons, and there is no reason to feel like you have to ever explain them to anyone.

Thank you Danbox, once again, for showing me that I need more than just logic and fear alone, and that there must always be room for awareness in the lessons being taught.

There must always be the decision to meet the experience and not wait for it to arrive.

Day 151 "A Vacation Away"

There is no telling anymore when I was anywhere by here?

Stranded here in this place of ghosts and time, waiting for that moment of clarity that might rip me from this stagnant belief of how things are supposed to be…how I desire them to be.

What could it possibly take to feel as though I actually made my way away from it all? As if I made any distance from the first footstep taken in this unguided direction.

What will it take for me to see the oceans I have crossed emotionally?

Is there a place in this world where these fears do not exist? Where these complications do not string my heart up so high above the ground that I cannot possibly reach it?

Is there a time in the future where these thoughts do not demand an analytical response to an easy answer?

Will there ever be a moment where I might feel as though I have arrived?

Is it be possible that I missed the flight I was supposed to take, or the boat I was intended to board?

Did I miss the opportunity to get away from it all?

Now here I am, feeling as though I have moved without moving at all.

Not knowing how far I am supposed to go, or what it will take to get there.

All the while understanding that there is no moment the same, not a single step taken that has been taken before, and that any flight missed is not the last flight to be taken.

Right now I am listening to my heart, and accepting the responsibility of the distance my soul still needs to take.

I know that somewhere, somehow and in some time, there must be a road that leads to the sign that says “you have arrived”.

Day 150 "Too Late To Call"

I remember a time when we used to know how to talk to each other, face to face, then voice to voice...and now it's all fragment sentences lost in a ridiculous ocean of LOL's and smiley faces.

This smart phone that leaves us looking dumb.

It used to be that we could just simply phone home, and now it is starting to feel appropriate to text home instead, almost expected even.

Maybe I am a little too jaded these days? Because I am starting to fall out of touch with those around me, and I am just looking for an excuse, or an answer as to why?

We are all connected by this digital DNA of ours, and now everyone is only a degree from anyone else, so why do I feel like an island unto myself? A ship lost at sea among other lost vessels?

Why do I feel such a great disconnect?

Is it too late to change the course of the tide? Am I to spend the rest of my life learning to tread these disconnected waters?

Is it too late to still call home?

Day 149 "I The Novel"

I am a lifelong novel, whose chapters are written and sketched and burned into my psyche for the duration of my future days.

The pages that I once wrote so definitely are becoming buried beneath the weight of the words that I know I will try to write next.

This lifetime of ink spilled upon a page that constantly fades in and out of the full spectrum of my intended vision; but intention is not truth, not fact, and not guaranteed.

Within this lifetime I may go back and read these chapters when, or if, I ever desire to, and I can only hope to learn to read these pages with a lighter heart than this one I currently feel the weight of.

What happens in the next chapter is what matters to me now, and what I choose to write next is the only thing that matters at all.

The past is never the past at all when we choose to live within its undertow.

There is no plot to be written, no ideas or fantasies of revenge or reclamation now, and all that is left is the desire to document the journey of a new path ahead.

The next chapter to write I must dedicate to myself in full honesty, to my soul, to my truest desire to connect on all levels that can attempt to fulfill me.

This next page must be made to give me a reason to breathe, without the question to stop instead.

There is no easy way to write any part of this ongoing magnum opus of mine, only the necessity and responsibility of having to write it further exists.

There is no way to know under what category this future novel will be filed under, and the only hope we have is to try to write it for the shelf we wish to leave it.

This life, with all of its uncertainty and all of its impossible pages to write on, all of its possibilities and pain; I know one thing for sure…I will not willingly write a tragedy.

Day 148 "Learning The Meaning Of I"

Danbox learned a new skill today; he can now change the tire of a car.

Does not matter more that he learned this or that he chose to learn it?

For some of us we say that we have learned something, and yet our actions dictate otherwise. For these are the very people that keep placing their hands and hearts in the fire, knowing that they felt only pain every time before.

For some of us we say that we are ready to learn, and yet we hold on to the past like a cornerstone to a terrible temple, refusing to remove it from our histories, in fear that it will all come down upon us, and leave us with something to actually have to learn.

There is no fault in shutting down the will to learn as you repair and recover from the battles of the past, but there is only fault and failure in shutting down the ability and desire to learn from those many lessons.

We open ourselves up to take a chance that we may fail, that we may hurt more than we do right now, that we might break, and an even bigger chance that we might allow ourselves to feel alive once again.

I am learning to tear down the walls I built up to protect myself.

I am learning to exist in a space where not every answer is known or desired.

I am learning to relearn.

I am learning to accept the things that I thought I could not.

I am open to chance, to change, to desire, to connection, and to more than what I once refused to be open to.

The restrictions and limitations of doubt and fear no longer have a place here.

The close minded, self centered reaction to a broken ego no longer controls my will, and I am open once again to look ahead and not behind.

I am learning to accept the power in my powerlessness.

Always a student of chaos and gravity.

I am open to learn that I am not my fears or my life alone, and that I am not only my hope and love, or the reflection of the opinions from a world staring back at me.

I am learning the lesson that I can be a part of anyone that I choose to let in, that brick by brick I will take down these walls around my heart with my blind hope, and that I am relearning the importance of creating the meaning in my own life.

I am choosing to relearn the importance of choosing to learn anything at all.

Day 147 "Ready Again"

There is so much wonder in this world, so much so that it cannot all be explained, even if we think we know how to.

We assume the worst or the best in everything, based on only what we have been told, taught, or experienced…and anything unknown is classified as alien and potentially hostile.

So we give our nightmares names, we give our memories a place in time and space, and for every other mystery we develop questions to try and formulate and answer that we can accept.

It is what it means to be human, to be lost in all the questions created to answer one simple one.

How can anything be as simple as it looks to be?

How can we possibly accept that we know the answer to any question that does not fill us with a sense of relief for its discovery?

How can we ever accept never knowing the answer at all?

With our heads down and our fears weighing heavy on our shoulders, we soon become jaded and stuck in the mundane, and we no longer look for anything of interest in anything at all…and all we know is that from here it is not about answers at all, it is only about the one answer we made up to live with.

Tick...tock....tick...tock...seconds into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into years, years into a blur, and then back into seconds when we are ready once again to try and fit everything in to a time and space we are comfortable with.

Each time we discover something without an answer we try to give it a reason for being, and we attempt to decide if it is a friend or foe.

Every single time we try to reason with the unknown we get lost in the chaos, only to find ourselves back in that place in time and space where we thought me knew something, or someone.

We try to make these alien lands look more like home.

We attempt to turn our enemies into history.

We find answers because we make them up.

We think we find answers because we think we are the ones making them up.

There must be a time and place for the acceptance of the unknown.

Somewhere within this experience it must be more than the absolute discovery of everything.

Somehow we must learn to let go of the answers we were never meant to know.

Somehow we must forgive ourselves for not knowing all the answers.

Somehow we must stop trying to explain the unknown.

Day 146 "Time To Stray"

I asked Danbox to walk with me today, and as usual, he offered his companionship without question or without need for debate…if only everyone could appreciate the company of another with such ease, or understand the urgency of what is not being said, and right now the little box man can hear my silence loud and clear.

With no specific direction in mind we stepped back out into the world together, far away from the city streets buzzing with noise and stress, and with every step my thoughts sought to trip me up yet another time.

Knowing that a thought left without a voice will only scream inside your own head, I spoke out loud and almost startled Danbox off the ledge he was walking upon.

“I am unsure of everything now Danbox”

He kept his silence, and I knew that this was not from having nothing to say, but more of a sign of respect that he understood the importance of listening right now.

“Every direction from where I am standing feels like a path meant for someone else”.

At this the little box man jumped both feel into a puddle, while always staring over to me to assure me that I knew he was listening. I was questioning why he didn’t stop and listen? Why didn’t he act like what I was saying was more important than his fun?

We walked for what felt like hours like this, with me asking the open air questions that I thought were important, all the while Danbox acting as if they were not.

All this time I was walking and focusing on my own inner dialogue I forgot to pay attention to where we were going, and now the only answer that I could definitely say that I knew was that I knew we were lost.

Somehow I managed to overlook the importance of mapping out our direction, and now my instinct was fighting hard to push me back towards the desire of finding my way back home...somewhere I know, somewhere I think I know.

I turned around to retrace my steps in the hopes of finding my way back to something familiar, but Danbox had other plans…

He broke out in to a full run into the forests edge, and all I could do was chase him inside. I found him standing before a large tree, and I watched as he climbed what must have been to him an impossible height, yet he made it seem more than possible right now. Right now he acted as if he was compelled by something more important than any sort of safety or comfort.

Right now I understood that even though I had no destination in mind, Danbox most certainly did.

Half way up this large tree he stopped on a branch and pointed to me, then over to something I could not see.

I only wanted to go for a walk, I only wanted to hear myself talk…I only wanted what I thought I wanted.

Not one to take no for an answer, I accepted the challenge of the little box man and climbed the tree as well. After a few moments of less than graceful climbing I finally made my way to where he was and I looked over to what he was pointing at...nothing familiar, nothing even remotely familiar.

"I think we should head back now little buddy" I said to him a bit shaken by the idea of staying lost in this forest...but he pointed even more aggressively in the direction, and then in a few other directions as well.

I knew what he was trying to tell me, he was telling me that there is more out there than home, that I should not be so quick to make it back to safety and comfort, and that if I keep to only the streets I have chosen to ever walk, that I will end up missing out on the potential of everything.

I know that he may be right, it probably is time that I start to stray a bit further outside my own comfort zone.

I must start allowing myself to walk all these alien paths with no potential place for the history of me.

I know he is right…it must be time focus on getting lost.

At this awakening the little box man made his way down and waited for me, he placed his hand out to reach mine and I knew he was leading me out of here…but what I didn’t know was where he was leading me to?

Day 145 "Infinite Palette"

Standing here, paralyzed and thoughtful, I wait in this realm of so many shifting colors, and I wait for a sign to show itself, any sign at all.

Is there a place in time and space where I do not suffer from the mistakes I have made? Is there anywhere at all where I am free of these questions without easy answers?

This fragile human mind is ever locked in a war of analyzing thoughts and potential decisions. Circling around the answer without ever having the strength to look at it directly.

I am quite aware now of the consequence of open doors.

I am aware of being aware.

I am ever excited to see how I will overcome any adversity that may come my way.

I perceive everything and anything in the many shades and colors presented to me.

The quiet of shadow is rare and usually found only in sleep, and loud color exists every moment outside of that realm.

As a child I was unaware of it all, I simply saw the potential in everything, and sleep was welcome for dreams; now we sleep no more with the lightness of being.

As an adult I have grown up aware of the shifting potential in everything, and as much as I know there must be an answer, I know that here is no definite answer; only that the time has finally arrived to force myself to step through…and I will step through, I have to step through.

I feel as though I paint my life with only a few colors on a palette that has infinite possibilities.

As if I have chosen to take on the hostile red of blood running without passion but anger alone.

As if I have decided to embrace the empty void of a hole dug in the ground as opposed to the darkness of a universe with so much potential.

I have chosen to paint nothing of an important design.

The adult now listens to a childlike echo from the past, and it cleaves through the will to hold on to these specific beliefs.

From here there is no denying the importance to reach out and embrace all the many shades of the world around me, to somehow try and see what these signs have always been trying to tell me.

From here I must force myself to open these colorblind eyes and simply step through.

From here, I must try harder to see more than these tainted visions.

From here, I must.

Day 144 "The Path I Don't Know"

In these moments of reflection, as I walk along paths I never imagined I would walk, I stumble and trip over things in my path that I never thought I would ever come across.

As I walk swiftly along the paths I never meant to take for granted, I must remind myself to slow my pace down, to embrace patience, so that I may at least attempt to try to avoid tripping over more than I know should be…but patience in these chaotic times is a hard pill to swallow.

I struggle with ego and desires, with loss and the plan to steal back what was mine from the greedy hands of Time The Thief…an impossible task when nothing has ever belonged to me, not even this life I live, not even this body I borrow.

I don’t own me, and there is no stealing anything back.

There was no way of knowing that my journey would have led me here, wherever this is?

Every footstep and fall was on alien ground, while every lesson I have learned was taught by a teacher I have never met…and all the while I knew that this was the direction I had to take.

Somehow I knew that these steps were not only guided by myself alone.

Somehow this spark, this flickering ember inside, pushed me towards and away from that person and place I once knew.

Somehow I know this is how it was always supposed to be.

I used to curse myself for every misstep taken, as if I was supposed to be better than the mistakes I was making…now I know that I am all the mistakes I have ever made.

Now I know that I will always take everything for granted, I will always fall, I will always be one moment too slow to stop Time The Thief from his lecherous ways.

Now I know that these paths I walk will always be a combination of roads already travelled and the ones still unknown.

Now I know.

With a desperate heart whose will I cannot control I say “Patience”.

With eyes that stay locked on to the past I say “Look forward now”.

With a mind that seeks to overanalyze theses moments I say “There are no simple answers for me to complicate this time around”.

I know that this unknown journey is a gift, no matter what stressful gravity holds us down while the axe threatens to fall across our necks.

I know that not every step should be made in haste.

I know that not every step should be made to escape the past.

I know only what I think I know.

Day 143 "A Safe Place"

The living experience has a way of challenging you on a regular basis. It has infinite creative ways of testing your limits, your resolve, and your will, so frequently that it can be exhausting, if not just shy of an overwhelming joke.

We try so hard to find shelter in anything and everything, and we even take a gamble on the illusion of safety that we think we may find in another.

These days the sky could be raining fire and I would somehow force myself to seek shelter a few minutes too late, but why?

Is there any reason that I would choose to stand in harm’s way willingly?

Do I believe that I need to pay a heavy penance for something?

Or is this how I choose to feel alive in these moments?

Here I stand, alongside Danbox, defiant against this impossible force, and we look to the sky as if to say “Do your worst!”, but it is not long before we are forced to find safety and shelter, somewhere… anywhere but here.

I do miss the days where I felt both strong and impervious against any force, where even Time The Thief didn't seem to want to pay attention to me, those days long gone now, where I believed in the possibility and security in everything and anything.

I miss the days in which I never ran for shelter, those long gone days where my hope and optimism was worn like a badge of honor or suit of armor.

Then came the lightening, and it struck upon my resolve, over and over again, until nothing more than this fear cloaked me, and my armor was left scattered and scorched upon the floor.

At first I sought shelter in the cold loneliness of loss, followed by hiding in a forest burning of anger and rage, but after a time there came a reason to try and live without either at all…and it was here that I hid far away from the darkest clouds that I have ever known.

I knew that there was a possibility that this might be a storm that never passes, and I still wait to see if it will come pass, the difference now is that I no longer stay hidden in the illusion of any safety. Now I try to live with the worry and the lighting, with the doubt and the loss, and with every strike upon my skin I protect the only thing worth sheltering, this last ember of hope I still have inside.

Day 142 "The Direction Of Me"

In a dream I found myself lost in an area with no sense of direction.

I tried to figure out which path I was supposed to take from here.

I woke up feeling the same way.

Can it even be called a dream now?

Is there any direction that can be considered wrong if you are simply trying to make it through to something better? Is there any wrong move that can be made if you are only trying to move beyond the paralysis of your own fear?

I have my doubts in myself, and yet I believe in my abilities to overcome all that has been thrown in the way of my unknown path; and I am confused as to where this inner strength comes from without reason.

I have my fears that hold me down as gravity does, and yet I choose to fight them head on as often as I can.

I have an anger within that has me clenching my fists almost uncontrollably, and yet I temper it with a compassion and patience that come from out of nowhere that I know.

If life is not about finding yourself, is it about creating yourself?

Could it somehow also be about destroying yourself in the process as well?

Where we go and which direction we take, is but a choice, a choice that must be made with the knowledge of what and who you will bring with you...or who you may eventually want to meet or even leave behind.

I know that at the end of every journey I take is myself, waiting, to both reward and punish me for my efforts, or lack of.

I had a dream last night that I woke up in an area with no sense of direction, and I opened my eyes to the reality that I have been too afraid to keep them open.

Now I watch as Time The Thief invades and touches all aspects of my life, and sometimes he is thoughtful enough to leave some hope for me to hold on to.

There are moments where I think I may have an idea of the direction that I am supposed to go in, and as I try to keep myself from forgetting this lucid revelation, inside I can hear a voice telling me to wake up and walk in any direction that I choose.

This voice that tells me that I will meet myself again, somewhere I exist in every direction that I choose to walk, and that somewhere in the future I have an appointment to keep, no matter how lost I may feel.

Day 141 "Holy Fuck I Love You!"

I fear that I might have become a little too jaded for any immediate positive outcome.

There is no denying that with every step away from my history I am becoming a more difficult and complicated version of myself.

The optimist within has been away on a journey for quite some time now, no doubt waiting for me to catch up, while I hang out here in the past.

I hope that I have been making up some good time weathering the storms, as I was trying so hard to successfully navigate this bitter emotional minefield.

In the cold years of change and disconnection, I have somehow managed to hold on to the smallest shred of hope, and even managed to ignite that hope within from a spark to a flame from time to time, whenever and wherever was possible.

There have been unwarranted casualties that lay scorched along the path I have tread. This fire I created in my weakest moments was fueled from the hearts I syphoned from to fill my own empty one.

This misguided direction that is now only a sharp memory of what I have done, and still an empty heart remains.

What is all this for?

We all want something that feels like it belongs to us, like it was meant for us alone, as if we are the only ones given a key to open a door we were only meant to.

I am not talking of Gods and faiths, of riches or fame, I am talking about something worth protecting more than yourself, and that person is someone that you adore so much that it hurts the heart as much as it heals it.

We all want the knowledge of the day that hides just out of our reach.

We all want.

All around me are these jaded eyes that try to see love and happiness in a pure light. These hopeful and naïve eyes that attempt to see the beauty in the simple, the lasting truth in an honest love…they should know better.

These eyes are mine, and I know better.

My jealousy outshines the sun these days, and I have become an alien among all the lovers that hold hands under my violent skies.

Do they even see what I do? Can they possibly tell that a wolf hides among them?

Do they know not to take what they have for granted?

Do they know that when they eventually do, that they must stop the wicked and

depraved wolf that waits in silence, to tear them apart at the weakest thread, and that they must do this together?

How can they know?

Do they have even the slightest notion that all these smiles will be tested by Time The Thief, and does anyone know that nothing is perfect?

Does anyone know that everyone fails everyone?

I know.

Does anyone take the time to fight for love anymore?

Does anyone have the will, the strength, and the faith necessary to take the chance to go down with the ship, or does everyone now jump ship at the first sign of red skies?

We have become the generation of far too many choices, and far too little interest in the honest answers we need to overcome the gravity of our hearts.

We no longer find anything in everything, just as we no longer take the time needed to see that our storms will come to pass, eventually revealing a few more sunny days ahead.

We no longer take the time to learn how to properly sail a ship in all weather, and we no longer find the value in finding our way back home.

I am the captain of this jaded vessel. I am master of nothing at all…but I am still here.

I am the trail and battle-worn traveler, with no northern star to guide me home

anymore, and all I am trying to do is find the words to say "Holy Fuck, I love you".

To more than just my memory alone.

Day 140 "How Many Mysteries Left?"

How many things in this life will catch my attention? How many more mysteries are there to find?

What years are going to be my best? Were they already spent?

There is no way to see in to future with any real accuracy, even though I spend so many of my days trying to.

At times I study my past for an indication of what the future will bring.

There are no prophets and no seers, only the instinct and hopes of the blind.

Will I ever see my friends again? Will I ever own my life, my time, or even my own heart?

I have studied my past to see where I am going, and I think I may have found some truths worth paying attention to.

I think that I may have found something.

Here I am trying to find the beauty in the ugly and the mundane, and all the while I have chosen to see no beauty outside these difficult things.

A hard decision that has added almost nothing to my life in the way of appreciating this gift.

I am finding that I have many wrong perceptions of this world, and that my truths are, in many ways, false.

I accidentally stumbled upon a moment today, an unexpected and welcome moment, a moment that lasted only brief period of time, but it was a beautiful moment.

The words rose to the surface of my psyche from the darkest of depths below. These words that broke through the riverbed to rise above the negative.

I am my own master.

I control this perception of mine.

I choose whether or not I will allow any more mysteries.

I alone allow room for hope.

I alone choose to accept tomorrow and the knowledge that I have no idea what it will bring, or if tomorrow will even arrive at all?

Day 139 "Before I Forget"

As time passes and I do what I do, I take everything for granted and stop looking at the details of the beauty in anything.

I don't mean to rush through the story, I don't mean to forget to be perfect in anyone's eyes, and I don't mean to hold on to moments that overshadow other moments.

I don't mean to, but I do.

I see Danbox playing among the scattered pine cones below a large fir tree, and he seems to find so much beauty in their geometry, so much so that he picks one up and brings it for me to look at; but I am not completely sold on this moment. He persistently pushes it towards me to acknowledge, and I know that he is forcing me to see beauty in the mundane, or at least try much harder to.

I try to connect with his excitement towards such a simple object, but I don't take the time to look at much around me in any great detail anymore, I just will myself through these days, and with not much thought on focusing on the details anymore.

I don't mean to, but I do.

I am not ignorant or blind to the importance of trying to connect with anyone that desires to show you more, but I am a flawed soul in a struggle with my ego, and I can sometimes forget that importance.

Sometimes there is an apprehension to open myself up something that I might eventually take for granted once again, and a fear that by acknowledging something beautiful that I might give Time The Thief yet another thing to eventually take away.

I don't mean to be scared, but I am.

After a few moments, Danbox drops the pine cone at my feet…defeated.

I don't mean to let the ones I care about down, but I do…but I don’t want to.

So I take the moment to pick up the pine cone and look it over, and I take a moment more to study its intricacies, and try to feel what Danbox is feeling.

Danbox seems to appreciate the effort, but I know that disappointment takes some time to overcome.

I may not mean to do everything that I do, or take for granted the things that I will, but I do mean to try the best that I can to connect with the world around me.

I do know that I try the best that I can to connect before I forget.

Day 138 "Because I Can, So I Will"

How can anyone know where it is that they are supposed to go? In what direction they are to move?

Who controls the will, and who knows how to navigate a ship that intends to sail in to unknown waters?

I am a captain of a vessel without a map in my hand. A captain with no hands to hold the helm.

The signs in my life are not so simple to read, and I have made a habit of telling myself that I am trying my best, even though I know this to be a lie.

We desire to seek pleasure and all the while we strive to avoid pain; a simple task in theory, but these waters are chaotic and unforgiving.

Sometimes I think we get confused and do just the opposite, as if we have no other intention but to head to the bottom as fast as we possibly can.

There is no denying that I steer this lost ship straight out and in to hostile waters willingly, and I know that it will be a fight to stay above the waterline every step of the way.

I am always fighting the will of the undertow to see if I deserve to rise above it.

I challenge this aggression inside me, to see how far it might be willing to take me, and to see how far past my limits I can actually go.

I seek to stand against the will of Fate, and to sail straight into those painful waters that surround me, and for no other reason than because I can, so I will.

Day 137 "Adult Eyes"

Children we were.

Children we are no more.

Children we can try to be again.

Only now we must be children with adult eyes.

Day 136 "Make Or Waste?"

Sometimes you wait for something so long that when it arrives you find yourself so far away from the person who once started waiting in the first place, and this new person cannot understand why you would wait even this long.

I have fond memories of events, things and people as another man, and in another life it feels now.

I have memories of a time where I was less apprehensive, and more openly accepting of the many souls that I share this planet with.

I still remember some of those things.

Now so many great things are better in memory than in the present.

Now a thick layer of dust covers the shiny beauty of yesterday.

Now I find myself less optimistic about our history.

I worry that this may mean that the beautiful things that used to bring us such happiness have become dull and ugly now, and that perhaps the home I searched for in the past is no longer a home I care to know, or even care to remember.

Every day that passes threatens to fade the sharp detail of our histories, and so eventually we come to accept that right now just passed us by, and what just passed us by is now out of reach.

When we are weak and scared we look to the past for an idea of what we want to find in the future, and as we walk forward, it is always with our heads turned around and away from the dangers ahead.

As we walk along the emotional steps of our desires, and as we trip along the way, we come to understand that the past is not here to help us at all.

We come to realize that waiting for something to arrive without change is a fool’s errand.

I know that we better start looking ahead and limit looking back as much as possible. I know that we should try our best to hold on to great things and learn to let go before they start looking like the villain in the stories of our lives.

I now know that I should never have tried to hold the past to one face alone.

This is the moment that we say out loud to ourselves that we have changed, that we will not go back, and that we have learned at least something along the way.

This is our story that we write every day, our battle, and our victories.

This is our time to choose what we do with what we have learned, and our time to honor the past by letting go of looking back to see the dust collect.

These are the moments to try and leave something behind, something to prove that we in fact did live, or at the very least, that we tried.

There is not one breath taken as the same person, and not one part of your history that lays untouchable by the relentless and greedy hands of Time The Thief.

All we have are these moments, and these are the moments we make or waste.

Day 135 "Luck Or Illusion?"

I have never been a superstitious man.

I have always believed that our fate is, and will always be, ours to try and control on our own. Never have I been one to worry about black cats crossing my path, or opening umbrellas indoors, or even so much as stepping on the many cracks in the pavement.

I have always strived to take responsibility for my current situations and my current mood, whether pleasant or not, and one could even say that I challenged superstition by purposefully walking into the path of all the black cats in my life.

Good luck and bad luck have always been illusions to me, and somehow I thought that we created our own luck, or at least I hoped that we did, at least this way I could take comfort in knowing that I had full control; but chaos is not to be harnessed.

There was never any real comfort in the idea that all those superstitious rules would somehow control the outcome of my day, and that somehow the universe, in all of its infinite glory, could be so predictably small.

Is the act of crossing a black cat such a serious offense to the universe that I would have to suffer for it? Or was it the black cat who crossed my path first, and as such will I be free from the karmic fallout?

I cannot in good conscience place any of this on a superstition.

I brought myself here, didn’t I?

I made my own decisions, my own mistakes, didn’t I?

To be safe I could avoid these cracks that crawl through the uneven pavement, but somehow I think that would simply be a waste of time, or a joke shared with an old lover.

I am aware of it all now.

I see the distractions created by a mind that requires answers for the things this mind cannot accept.

I see the cracks in the pavement for what they are.

No superstition created will change anything about anything, and for where we are today we must acknowledge only that we brought ourselves here…even if you try to create a superstition to avoid that fact.

I am here because I brought myself here…will you say the same?

Day 134 "One Hopeful Step After Another"

I have been walking for so long now, with one determined footstep after another, and practically moved forward by my blind faith in hope alone.

I have analyzed every step, and with every heavy step I asked myself who would approve of the distance I have made so far?

I asked, but there never came any answer, only this silence.

Somehow I left behind a piece of home, a part of myself that I swore to protect, and a part of myself that Time The Thief demanded to stay back; this part of me now left orphaned and shaking in the cold.

Mirrors no longer give an honest reflection, and now only our honest thoughts can truly tell us who or where we really are.

I fight for hope because the fragment I started this journey with needed my protection, and because without this fight to preserve this last bit of my optimism, this ember would have long ago flickered and died out…leaving me only in a darkness I am not ready for.

There has been no road map for my journey, and only faith, hope, optimism and blind momentum have been needed for the distance made so far.

There is no exact destination anymore, no place to be and no time to be there either. No one leaves the lights on anymore, and home is a dream lost in the haze of yesterday.

For me, home is now only a hope.

I am aware of the heaviness of gravity, and how every step taken is an act of defiance against the universes will to slow me down.

I know there will be times when I can relax, and even more times where rest will simply not be an option. There will be times where I forget to care enough about the important things, and I will no doubt make the mistake of taking this precious life for granted yet again.

I attempt to honor the memory of the ones I cannot walk with now, just as  I try to protect the ones still here beside me, the ones still within the void of my selfish ways.

With every footstep I try harder to learn to let go of the messy weight of my dark thoughts, the best that I can and as quickly as I can…but I am flawed, and I have become quite accustomed to tripping over my next footstep.

Today I woke up with thoughts of what I thought I needed to do to reach my destination, and what I need to change in myself to understand that it is the journey that matters more than where I  will arrive.

Today I saw some clarity in the path that outstretches before me, and I know that some truths are not to be second guessed.

I will end up where Fate wills me.

I will leave behind what Time The Thief demands me to.

I will always strive the best that I can to protect the things that make me feel blessed enough to experience this gift of life, no matter how much pain it may desire to share with us.

I know that from here, just like yesterday, I will walk forward through the fear and pain, and through both love and loss…I will push through this sadness to those better days ahead.

From here I will walk...one hopeful foot after another.