Day 29 "Treading Water"

Somewhere beneath this fear, this potential misguided hope, these desires, these choices, these mistakes, these hesitations, these weakened values, these broken parts; there is a clear untouched and pure ember of who I really am...still ignited.

In the process of moving ahead I have left certain things, important things, behind; and I am not sure how to reclaim them, or if that is even still possible?

I have tried so long to control the outcome that I forgot to respect the natural law of chaos and change, and I am now caught in the undertow.

Treading water now, with my head just above the waterline.

I am changing, life is changing, and I can't say that this is for the better now.

No longer can I say that I am chasing my own dreams with any defined resolution, and I may in fact be following in the footsteps of another now, slowly becoming a part of their will now.

How did I ever let it go this far?

I had a chance to run, and yet I stood unmoving. Afraid of losing moments with the ones around me, attempting to once again try to control chaos and the will of time.

How do the pieces fit together now? Are they even supposed to? Did they ever in the first place?

Have I become a ghost of sorts?

Wandering, waiting and hoping...always.

Is it time to accept the stranger’s reflection in the mirror? Is it time to burn this all to the ground and start over? Is it time to stand defiant longer, or attempt to outrun these hesitations? Is it time to let go of the cornerstone I hold in place that holds me in place? Is it time to watch the pieces fall to the ground, shattering the old me one final time?

Moments pass by and I see myself, my real self, then they pass by even more, and I blur out once again. Shifting and changing, ever restless and lost, but always hopeful and searching; never willing to give up that part of myself that feels familiar and honest, simply never willing to give up.

I will see this through.

I will defy the odds.

I know myself enough to know that I will always try to defy chaos and I will always try to accept it, and I will always have mixed opinions about time.

No matter the strength of this undertow, I will struggle against its will, and I will tread this water as long as I can.

On my own.

I will tread this water, as long as I can.