Day 10 "Hope Is A Northern Star"

I have been working hard at changing myself, forcing myself to be more than who I have let myself become.
I have become static, and it has been a long time coming to commit to the path of burning away this weakness that has followed me here, that I have invited to walk along with me.
I am in a constant state of self-evolution, of self-creation, and of self-destruction.
Always grading myself with the red ink of the most critical pen, and always rewriting the ending...or at least trying to.
I understand how terribly negative this may all sound, but I assure you that this is not the case at all, and as I take a moment to watch Danbox gaze up towards a photo of my beautiful and now departed close friend Merrick, I remember that she never carried a red pen with her to grade anyone. She always put love and respect before anything that felt even remotely hostile or negative, and she tempered the edge of my aggression with her positive attitude.
It is not easy to live as I have, as I do. I want more and more, and think that even sleep is a waste of precious time. I analyze my own confirmations and I rethink moments long passed.
I try to pin point the exact moments that I created a fork in the road, and having conversations in my head with those that I no longer speak with to try and right my wrongs, or to offer them a chance to right theirs.
Merrick was nothing like that, she never strayed into the darkness without her angel wings attached and the knowledge of how to get out; in fact, she never really strayed into darkness at all, only if there was someone that needed help getting out.
I need to remind myself to breathe, to relax, to accept, and to remember what she taught me before she passed away. She taught me about honesty and resolve, about passion and dedication to the arts, about being true to yourself and never compromising integrity. She always told me how she found it intriguing how I can have such an edge, and how I can spend so much time in the emotional trenches, and yet still leave room for hope.
She always reminded me of the importance of trying to find your way out of the darkness, out of the trenches and always using hope as your Northern Star.
Bless you Merrick for sharing so many wonderful things about yourself with this world, and even though you are no longer held by these mortal ties, you are still so much a part of what is good about this life. I can only hope that I will be granted many more years to remind the world of you; Merrick who loved completely, who laughed completely, who created with depth completely...who always taught us to follow hope like a Northern Star.