Day 32 "Heavy Covers, Heavy Hearts"

As I lay in bed a moment longer than I usually do, I realize that I truly do not know what it means to relax anymore.
This use to be a place of solitude and reflection, these covers used to rest upon my tired body, now they pin me down in a restless fit.
If I close my eyes in the silence now, my mind awakes to fears and ambitious stress, potential nightmares of would be realities and terrible fantasies.
There used to be safety in the silence, and only a second heart beating close could be heard, but that was in my past, now I have to beat this silence with the white noise of technology; always playing, so not even my own heartbeat can be heard.
Always planning, always dreaming out loud, always analyzing, always trying to solve puzzles, always searching out a path through the emotional minefield I am always in.
Always.
I respect that rest is needed, that rest is repair, that sleep is not a waste of time and life, that this bed will not always be so empty.
I respect that I need to solve more riddles before I place my head upon the pillow, that I need to work harder on believing in the unknown path before me. I respect that ambition and desire can, and will, make anyone mad if sought after in too short a time; nothing can be forced if it is to be the way it has to be; but complacency is an ugly addiction as well.
Do I wake up earlier to give myself more time to accomplish my goals? Or do I sleep in to give my body a chance to repair a moment longer, in the hopes to calm my mind with more blissful empty sleep?
Perhaps I am not meant to let my guard down on my own?
There is a chance that someone must bring it down for me? Perhaps I am not meant to remember the calmness of moments alone in my own head? There is a chance that my intensity and depth is meant to be tempered by another who is more collected, more resolved, and more willing to show me how to do this right?
Time has passed enough for me to know that to sleep in a bed alone, with only your single beating heart to remind you of your own mortality, is perhaps the most challenging trial that anyone can have?
There is room here for a second heartbeat...there is room for you.
These heavy covers.
This heavy heart.