Day 37 "Silence And Faith"

Rest and relaxation. I know that this should be a lot easier to accomplish than it actually is. Is it just me, or do we seem to fail to take time out for ourselves on a regular basis?

It seems as though most of us feel the need to keep working, keep pushing forward, keep focused on the task at hand or the goal ahead...or is that just me feeling this way?

Why do I feel as though I always have something to prove, to you, to her, to strangers, to myself? Where does the weight of these expectations come from? Do they slow me down or keep me driven towards my real self?

I can’t imagine just being fine with mediocrity. I really have no idea what living without ambition feels like, and from where I am standing, I am not even close to finding out.

I do have to learn to find the importance in taking a moment to stop running this marathon, to stop and look at the world that surrounds this endless track ahead of me.

I must again learn the value of meditation, of taking a moment to reconnect with my body, mind and soul.

I must relearn the art of silence and faith, of breathing in deeper than I usually do, and of exhaling my stress away from the hopeful parts of myself.

It is time to reconnect with that boy I once was, in that youth so far away now, where I found so many spiritual interests that the world felt deeper than the heavy grind I usually feel these days.

I wonder if I can make my way back to him now? If I can possibly, for even a moment, recapture that innocence and childlike outlook and freedom that I once felt?

Even now as I type this, I find myself analyzing the point of even trying to look back on who I once was. 

Why should anyone look back on anything? Unless it really is something special to look back on, something dearly missed? Even then, if it is gone, then how can looking back change the tide or the will of fate? How can looking back steal back from time what has been stolen by time in the first place?

I think I will take a moment right now to myself, a moment to close my eyes and meditate on silence and faith.

A moment to try to find my fifteen year old self.

A moment to help heal a wound that I have lived with for so very long now.