I have been hard on myself.
I can tell you that no other has criticized my every move more than I,
no other has pushed me as hard as I do, and no other ever demanded this much of
me.
I know that I could have tried to make every meeting on time, that I
could have tried to make it to every important event that those I care about
celebrate, I know that I could have tried to be more than this critical
recluse; I know that I should have tried.
I know that I could have cried on the shoulder of another, that I could
have leaned a little more on those I care for more than I did for support.
I know that I didn't have to carry this weight in this silence, alone,
for as long as I did; I know that I didn't have to be so hard on myself.
I learned a tough lesson in trust, and a hard lesson in forgiveness, and
an almost impossible lesson in trying to let go of the things I loved so much.
I know I didn't have to look in the rear view mirror so long, that I
didn't have to analyze the trail of my footsteps for so long, that I
didn't have to leave my heart so wide open for so long; I think I know
that anyway.
I have been terribly hard on myself, by staring Time The Thief in the face
as often as I could, for as long as I did, and at clenching my fists in
response for not being able to control the chaotic will of the universe; and
for making the mistake in thinking that I ever could.
I know that I could have been more honest than I was to myself, that
even if I spoke a lie to another did not mean that it was acceptable to lie to
myself, and I know that I locked myself inside a desire to a change I was never
quite ready for; and I have been so very hard on myself, too hard on myself.
I should never have forgotten that I could never be perfect, that I
could never continue to try to outshine the sun, and that my strength would not
always be enough. I should never have forgotten that falling is not failing.
I should never have forgotten that it was a fool’s errand to try to be
more than I was destined to be, or that I could ever try to control the
happiness and desires of another.
I should never have forgotten that I cannot control anything but my
reactions, that I have no power over more than my perception, and that control
is the hardest thing to control.
why did I try so hard to erase so many meaningful years, only to end up
some place meaningless?
Why the hell did I have to make it so hard on myself? Why do I still
make it so hard on myself? Why do I expect so much more than what I have
become?
How could I have ever forgotten that I am not perfect, and that there is
freedom in knowing that I never had to be, that I never could be?
How could I have ever forgotten that with hope in my heart and the will
to protect that hope, that it was always going to work itself out in the end,
somehow?
How could have I forgotten that I don't have to write every moment in my
history, that I cannot control the hand of Fate, and that there is freedom in
not trying to, that sometimes it is better to let the web weave itself, and to
allow yourself to be tangled within it.
How could I ever let myself forget that I was alive, that with every
moment, no matter how dark it was, I was still always alive.
How could I ever forget that I was blessed another moment in this body,
in this mind, and alongside these other souls who search as well?
I was given a gift to fight another day, to survive another moment…to
exist another moment more.
Why would I ever lose this appreciation to experience an emotion, any
emotion, for even another second more?
I remember now that no safe passage has ever been promised, that no
previously traveled path lays ahead of me to walk, and that I do not know the
limits of anything I will experience yet in this life.
I remember the most important lesson that this day has brought me, and
hopefully tomorrow will as well…I
remember that I am still alive.
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