Day 202 "The Blind Seer"

I thought I knew my future by looking straight into my past.

Surely I could see my habits, see my faults, and see the stones in the road that I always seem trip over, and surely they would tell me what is going to happen next?

Of course, I am wrong in this assumption.

Surely I am in more control of the path ahead of me than the one I left behind?

Of course this is only a hope and not a universal truth in any form.

Surely by now, after all of this time and these out-stretched years, I would have learned to navigate my bad habits with some grace?

And this is how wrong an ego driven mind can be.

I guarded these ignorant beliefs like they were the most precious of treasures in the world, as if I had the crystal ball of a seer in my possession, and as if I had the sole ability to use it for my own means, to see the world the way I needed it to be, but I was wrong in thinking I could navigate and control chaos by my will alone, or even at all.

It was only when I opened my eyes to see what was before me that I saw what truly was.

When I asked myself the hard questions.

When I told myself the honest truth.

When I spoke aloud the fears I held so deep.

When I finally talked to me.

I had carried this weight on my shoulders for so long that I believed it was always my destiny to carry it.

I protected a heart that failed to protect mine.

I fought for a future that existed in a confused mind, and a lost heart.

I never saw the deep cracks within the crystal, I never saw the flaws for what they always were.

I thought I could know my future by constantly looking too far back into my past, and yet all I was ever attempting to do was avoid the possibility of the unknown.

The universe gave me what I had asked for, over and over again.

I tripped over the same stones in my path, over and over again.

I held myself back from seeing the truth I knew had always been, over and over again.

I tried to make the past my present, and over and over again I failed.

Looking back now, but not for my past alone, all I see is a blur of images, of emotions, and it is not with a desire to control the will of this chaotic and impersonal universe.

Instead I am choosing to look back as if to say somehow say goodbye in a better way.

I am learning to no longer stare back or ahead, but to somehow stare the present in the face and learn to say hello without the fear and apprehension I have become so accustomed to.

I am trying to stand rooted in this moment that I am in, open to whatever may come, knowing that this crystal ball has always been useless and irreparable, and that I wouldn't want it any other way…because a future seen is already the past.

With the eyes of the ego I was blind, and with my eyes closed in silence and respect, I can now see.

Come what may.