Day 60 "Ugly Honesty, Beautiful Lies"

Most of the time we try to hide who we really are, we say that we don't, but we know inside our hearts that we do.

For most of us, we have a clear idea of what it would take to make us great, we just don't know how, when, or if we will even try to achieve something great in this lifetime? In many cases we simply lack the knowledge of where exactly to start.

It is this great unknown that leaves us so open to fear, and no one finds fear attractive. So we hide the disappointment, the emotional scars, and the honesty. We hide this ugly honesty and choose show these beautiful lies instead.

We gather strength from the adoration from others, premature adoration from those that believe in our empty words. We fill our cups with a tasteless wine, getting drunk on the possibilities that we dream to pursue one day.

We feel beautiful in the eyes of the ones that believe in our lies. We feel great in the eyes of the ones that take a moment to tell us how brilliant our ideas are, and we lie to ourselves when we tell ourselves that they actually believe us in the first place.

To stare into your own reflection and focus on the imperfections that make you a perfect you...for some that is just too honest isn't it? For some of us the idea of speaking out loud that we are wasting time, wasting life and wasting our dreams, is just too much of a burden to carry alone.

It is fine to look down upon yourself when you don't try to achieve anything but failure and a better skill at running your mouth.

It is expected that a lack of listening to yourself will only be followed by the deafening sounds of your own regret.

We have today and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Every day that we try to hide the thoughts in our minds, the desires in our hearts and the ambition in our souls, is just another day that we have earned restless and negative karma.

I will say it honestly, I will strip it down to the raw truth, and I will show you how I perceive myself.

I am talented, I am honest, and I have depth. I know that I have everything that I need to succeed on my own terms; but I am sentimental and too forgiving to those that have overlooked their gift in knowing me, in their luck in having someone as dedicated as I am to the ones that I care about.

I am fearful and weak as well, and for as great as I know that I can be, I also know that I have been far too complacent and lazy to rise above this current disappointment in myself.

I have eaten procrastination for breakfast and washed it down with bitter regret in doing so.

I have failed myself in so many ways. I can honestly stare in to the mirror and point the finger to the reflection and say “I will try harder”.

I won't say that I will start tomorrow on my journey, or that I will wake up and finally get this right...because I started yesterday.

My life will be all that I said it would, and I will accomplish all that I have told you that I would, and my life will not be anything less than the completion of my desires, as long as Time Thief allows it.

I have set things in motion in this silence, and no one can fully understand what pact I have made with myself in the silence of my fear and disappointment, because I have not yet been honest enough with myself to fully understand either.

I have looked deep into the mirror today, and in my reflection I can see the eyes of a man who has a heavy heart, who misses the past too much to embrace the future. I see the reflection of a man who holds on to his morals and dreams with a greedy embrace. This reflection reminds me that I am still in a battle with my ego, that I am still capable of emotional chaos and that I am still disconnected from myself and those around me.

Yesterday I chose to stop analyzing without motion, yesterday I chose to stare in the mirror and face myself…yesterday I chose to fight for tomorrow.

With honesty, with fear, and with all of my desires, I fight; for tomorrow and for myself alone.