Day 103 "White Noise"

There are times when you just stop and stand right where you are, and everything in your life just comes to a sudden halt.

This is not the same as feeling paralyzed. It is so much more controlled than that.

Everything outside of your head and your heart become distant and irrelevant.

Everything just fades away into white noise.

I can never tell how long I have been lost in these trances when they wash over me, for when I come out of them I feel like enough time has passed to change me, and yet not enough to create any real lasting change.

It is a disorienting feeling to spend an entire day keeping yourself distracted, only to have this uninvited honesty rush in and steal the wind from your sails.

I have become unfamiliar with happiness, but I know it exists, and I can still remember those moments that made me feel alive, not just this act of breathing.

This type of honesty has never been comfortable to say out loud and in the open, but I am working my way back towards myself, back towards a place of hope and love, of trust and honor, of faith and truth, of dreams and desires, and there is no shame in removing the mask… if only for a moment.

I am responsible for the outcome.

It is my duty and obligation to defend and honor myself.

It is my choice to embrace whatever may come or stay running scared in the hopes of safety somewhere far away.

I am held accountable when it comes to protecting my dreams by letting go of theirs.

It is my will alone to hold on to hope and faith, in any form that I possibly can.

I must celebrate this life by leaving behind something more than my thoughts alone. I must place these words upon the page, stop time and freeze it for all to see, in the hope that one day I may lead someone out there through the darkness of their own despondent place.

I am out of that trance once more, and the world is once again more than just white noise.

I know that if I never stop trying, if I never give up on hope and optimism, and if I never let go of my will to meet life half way, that there will come a moment once again where my world will come to a halt.

I know that once again I will be met with the clarity of this white noise, where everything will fade into the background, and where everything seems less tangled and impossible; and when it does, I will welcome it with a smile.