Day 365---Farewell Little Boxman

Can it be that all life really comes down to is an endless series of moments where we have to say good-bye?

As if all the complications brought on by saying hello are only ever just brief moments in time that fade away as fast as the words leave our lips.

As I search my heart for the right words to speak to Danbox now, I know that nothing will come out as ceremoniously and weighted as I would like it to, but the time has come for us to part ways, whether we know how to say this good-bye or not.

We have travelled a year together, this place in time that feels like both forever and nothing more than a brief moment.

Can it really be time for us to part ways? Am I ready now? Is he ready now? Does saying good-bye answer any of these questions?

I want to tell him that he saved me so many times from stepping over the edge, that he inspired me to move forward, even when I wanted to run back. I want to somehow place within his heart, the respect and the appreciation I have for his friendship, and I want him to know just how much I care.

Can life truly come down to the simple, yet complicated, act of letting things go?

As if all we ever have is never ours at all, and that even the human experience is a temporary one, that even home itself is the hearts greatest illusion of safety.

I want to tell Danbox that he showed me the way back to that ember of hope that rested inside my own core. How can I sum up my absolute appreciation for the emotional weight he helped me carry all this way? Are there any words that spoken aloud can overshadow this sadness I feel as he prepares to move on? How can I say the words that I never wanted to say?

Why is life always an act of letting go? Why does it have to be so hard?

I watch as the little boxman gathers a few of his belongings, and wraps them up in a bag made of cloth attached to the end of stick, and I want to know where he is going. I want to know if I can come with him this time, but I already know the answer; this time we both must part our ways, we have learned what we have needed to from each other.

How do you say good-bye when you can’t even find the words to say it?

Why does saying hello always, eventually, bring on the end of something?

How do I tell Danbox that he will be missed? How do I feel like that will be enough to say?

Looking back in this moment before we part our ways, I can see that our journey was never about trying to find happiness, or trying to outrun our histories, or trying to find any direction that might lead us home. Looking back now I can see that it was always about seeing the moment we are in and nothing more.

No past. No future. Only now, only this moment, forever we are bound to only this very moment.

All this time I watched as Time The Thief was stealing my time, as this greedy entity took away all the things that I had or wanted, but I was wrong, for Time The Thief was never just stealing from me, but instead was only ever leaving the present behind for me to see with a better clarity.

I was a ghost trapped in my past.

I was a trespasser locked in my future.

I was a dark passenger choosing to kill my present.

I was, for the longest time, only I against I (eye)

Then this little boxman came into my life, patiently waiting and watching as I stumbled through this impossible forest, and along this path with no end, that I filled with all these messy thoughts that the ego asked me to, so that I could stumble and keep one foot in the past eternally.

I spoke loudly as he sat in silence.

I shouted out to the stars to listen, while he never said a word.

I attempted to hold on while he simply let go.

I want to tell him that I am thankful for the darkness he willingly walked into with me, that I am sorry for taking so long to see what he was trying to tell me all along…that all we have is now, and that we should be eternally thankful for this greatest of gifts.

I want him to know that I hope I will see him again.

I want him to know all the words that my heart wants him to know, but that I can’t find the words to say.

Danbox stands for a moment before me, with his hand on his heart, he reaches out to touch his other one to mine, and this enlightened being speaks the words that remove the emotional burden that I carry, he speaks the words that put everything right where they belong.

I only wanted my little friend to know how much I have learned through him, that this moment is all I know that I have, and how much I hate good-byes.

With his hands placed over our hearts he speaks both softly and thoughtfully, and after a moment more, Danbox reminds me that some connections are forever.

With that familiar hope filled smile, the little boxman spoke only two words…

“I know”