Day 173 "In Free Fall"

For the longest time I have felt like I have been hanging on to a ledge above the great unknown below.

For a long time now I have waited here for someone to come save me...and that person never did.

I knew this ledge was the last thing that felt like my past, the last thing that felt like my life, the last thing that felt like mine, and the very last piece of stone that we carved into this wall together.

For the longest time I never moved even one step, I never let go of my footing, and I waited on this empty ledge to be rescued by anyone other than myself.

I tried to make it look like I was here, perched above the great unknown, because I enjoyed the danger and the adrenaline rush it must bring. I tried to tell all who saw me there, that I had everything under control, that I was not stuck, and that this was not by accident...that I was here by choice.

The truth was that I was paralyzed and scared of the unknown.

I was fighting to not give up on the things I loved so deeply, I was fighting for the illusions that we created together, and I was fighting for another life that was not the one I currently had.

The truth is that I was confused, I didn't know where to go from here, and I thought I needed someone to show me how to get off this impossible ledge.

The truth is, I thought that person would come take me home.

I waited for something to feel familiar, something to show me that any war can be won, and that any heart can be reached, no matter the distance.

I waited to see the truth in my illusions.

I waited to see the truth in the lies I told myself.

I waited for what seemed to be forever, and eventually I saw that I never opened my eyes, not even once.

I just closed them in blind hope that I could avoid the truth of the changes.

I cannot recall the moment when I decided to step one foot out in blind faith and away from that ledge that I had sworn to wait for you on, and I no longer remember how long I held it out and above that great unknown, but what matters most is that I did.

It is impossible to know the exact moment that I chose to spread out my arms and let go of this selfish cornerstone that my lies were built upon, but what matters most is that I did.

I no longer know how long I have been in steady free fall towards the great potential unknown, but what matters most is that I am

What matters most is that I stopped waiting and started falling.