Day 175 "Into The Clearing Alone"

I am crawling my way out of these dark thoughts.

Attempting to rediscover the optimism and hope that used to be mine so freely.

I am ready to get past this impossible white noise that echoes in my head and confuses my heart.

I am attempting to submit to the will of gravity without hostility, without regret, and I think this time I may get it right.

I have been lost for so long in a forest of fears and analytical dreams, that I somehow forgot who I ever was, and who I thought I was ever meant to be.

This paralyzing poison ran so deep in my veins from those terrible truths that I had to discover, that it changed me, it irradiated my thoughts and spirit to the core.

Without a doubt in my mind, it changed me…and not for the better.

No one truly wants to walk lost into any forest with anyone, or for anyone. No one wants to keep damaged company that unwillingly sheds emotional shrapnel across the friendly distance.

No one wants to suffer your hurt without end.

No matter the company you keep, if you walk wounded for long enough, you inevitably find yourself walking wounded alone.

I entered these dark woods on the sunniest of days, and I still remember how it felt to leave behind my last day of sunlight and trade it in for the shadows of the path that lay ahead. I entered these woods with another, but that was a long time ago now. I entered these woods with a light that has long been extinguished. It has been so long now that I think I may actually have entered these woods alone with a convincing memory.

I have overstayed my welcome in my past, I have burned all the maps that led to the forests edge, and I have covered almost all of the tracks that might have led me back home.

I left myself in those dark woods somewhere, and when I made my way out I soon found that it was only a clearing, and I never made it out at all.

I am still here.

I am still trying.

I am still overstaying my welcome in so many ways.

I am crawling my way out of these dark thoughts because I don't want to submit to gravity with hostility. I don't want to keep reaching clearings that only lead back to heavy questions and unforgiving forests.

I am crawling out because I don't want to give up on myself, even if I have given up on who I was.

I am crawling out because I still have hope alone, and gravity will not hold that hope to the ground of a path that I left behind so long ago.