Day 126 "Me Against Me"

There is no struggle more difficult or dangerous than the one I have with myself. At the core of this treacherous battle is the understanding that no matter who wins, a part of me will inevitably be lost in the fight.

There is no way of ever knowing which side of my psyche will win at any given time? There is no way of knowing who is gaining more ground right now.

I try the best that I can, to hold on to the morals that I think define a better me. I attempt to hold on with an unrelenting grasp, to some part of me that is redeemable, and perhaps I try to be more than I am supposed to ever be?

I am not sure if I am stubborn or greedy, perhaps a bit of both?

I refuse to both give up my past and stop dreaming about my future; and all the while I attempt to lay them both to waste by embracing the present as much as I honestly can.

I am without time or destination. I am where I should be and as much far away from it as well.

I demand that Time The Thief eventually bends to my will, that somehow I can learn to command this ever present entity...and so far I am not winning this battle at all; but yet I still try.

I have such great expectations for myself, and inside I know that I am the only one in my own way.

The life I want, the person I desire to be, and the ending I am searching for is always within my grasp, but given enough time it always comes back around to me against me.

No one wins when it is me against me. I know this.

I have undoubtedly reached the point where I must act more than analyze, where I have to fight harder, and with more sincerity, if I hope to achieve anything more than this fear of not ever achieving my own hearts desires.

It is time I stop fighting I.

It is time I stop fighting against and start fighting for.

It is time.