I fear that I might have become a little too jaded
for any immediate positive outcome.
There is no denying that with every step away from
my history I am becoming a more difficult and complicated version of myself.
The optimist within has been away on a journey for
quite some time now, no doubt waiting for me to catch up, while I hang out here
in the past.
I hope that I have been making up some good time
weathering the storms, as I was trying so hard to successfully navigate this
bitter emotional minefield.
In the cold years of change and disconnection, I
have somehow managed to hold on to the smallest shred of hope, and even managed
to ignite that hope within from a spark to a flame from time to time, whenever
and wherever was possible.
There have been unwarranted casualties that lay
scorched along the path I have tread. This fire I created in my weakest moments
was fueled from the hearts I syphoned from to fill my own empty one.
This misguided direction that is now only a sharp
memory of what I have done, and still an empty heart remains.
What is all this for?
We all want something that feels like it belongs to
us, like it was meant for us alone, as if we are the only ones given a key to
open a door we were only meant to.
I am not talking of Gods and faiths, of riches or
fame, I am talking about something worth protecting more than yourself, and
that person is someone that you adore
so much that it hurts the heart as much as it heals it.
We all want the
knowledge of the day that hides just out of our reach.
We all want.
All around me are these jaded eyes that try to see
love and happiness in a pure light. These hopeful and naïve eyes that attempt
to see the beauty in the simple, the lasting truth in an honest love…they
should know better.
These eyes are mine, and I know better.
My jealousy outshines the sun these days, and I
have become an alien among all the lovers that hold hands under my violent
skies.
Do they even see what I do? Can they possibly tell
that a wolf hides among them?
Do they know not to take what they have for
granted?
Do they know that when they eventually do, that
they must stop the wicked and
depraved wolf that waits in silence, to tear them
apart at the weakest thread, and that they must do this together?
How can they know?
Do they have even the slightest notion that all
these smiles will be tested by Time The Thief, and does anyone know that
nothing is perfect?
Does anyone know that everyone fails everyone?
I know.
Does anyone take the time to fight for love
anymore?
Does anyone have the will, the strength, and the
faith necessary to take the chance to go down with the ship, or does everyone now jump ship at the first
sign of red skies?
We have become the generation of far too many
choices, and far too little interest in the honest answers we need to overcome
the gravity of our hearts.
We no longer find anything in everything, just as
we no longer take the time needed to see that our storms will come to pass,
eventually revealing a few more sunny days ahead.
We no longer take the time to learn how to properly
sail a ship in all weather, and we no longer find the value in finding our way
back home.
I am the captain of this jaded vessel. I am master
of nothing at all…but I am still here.
I am the trail and battle-worn traveler, with no
northern star to guide me home
anymore, and all I am trying to do is find the
words to say "Holy Fuck, I love you".
To more than just my
memory alone.
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